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I Am Here To Make New Friends

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I found EP because I'm bad at speaking and making friends in person, so I got lonely once upon a time and came across this site. This is my story here:

When I first searched and glanced at all the profiles of all of you, I felt a connection because so many people had relateable groups, so I really thought this would be a place I could finally make friends. The truth is I have made friends, and I have met interesting people, I've also met assholes (forgive my language) and shallow-minded, negativity loving zealots. I've met more friends in the last 5 months than in the rest of my life combined, and I've gotten a taste of how little "friendships" mean to most people, ...or maybe it's just me that's not too exciting. It's made me question myself like never before, and it's been a tough time for me to feel like I have friends, but knowing that they're not actually there for me when I need them most. It really has made me feel more alone in this world to be honest.

I've only been here a few months, and to describe it as a roller coaster would be an understatement. It's the day to day drama I never got from school (home schooled), and it's a distraction in my life like nothing else; I'm constantly feeling pressure to come and defend myself, and having to try to change the misperceptions and inaccurate judgments that are constantly being formed.
I've felt support from some of you, and I've felt like garbage from others. It's really no different than life other than being behind a screen, but I don't have my innate empathetic megaphone shouting tones and subtle ex<x>pressions in my head, so it's more bearable to take the criticisms.

What I wanted to find here, and what I've wanted since the day I realized I was alone as a young child, has been another mind that loves to think. Someone who doesn't bolster up an opinion just because it's theirs, someone who will consider anything, and someone who sees their insignificance, but is not afraid to dream, and is beyond determined to try to make something of their time. The ocean of possible thought is deep, and I have only ever wished for a companion in exploring it. This dream has been tainted throughout my life by the huge separation between the kind of person I idealize, and the actual people I encounter. This site has given me hope, while simultaneously jabbing me with disappointment, as I pull closer than ever toward this progressively seeming more unachievable dream, the doubt it inflicts is a pain of its own.

The question of maintaining my presence here can be assessed for its worth now, as my own goals and determination to make something of life are conflicting with the time demands and distractions I have in maintaining, and searching for friendships. So I am forced to ask myself, is it worth it? Ideally I should be able to put it in the background and work to my heart's content, checking back rarely, but I am not that kind of person. People have a strong grasp of my mind, their importance inflated beyond every person I could potentially impact if I was more focused on how I can leave something of importance behind. Though my relationships are important, and the individuals behind them more important, a significant amount of my time is caught up in thinking about them, and thus not working for so many others.

So finally, EP, I might be going on vacation... if I can bare the disconnect and all it will cause, I might be saying goodbye for a while. I'll again be left without hope in meeting my companion as all possibility is again stripped away, but life is short, and I do not want a single moment to pass without my willful construction of something of value... something that will be maintained even after all of us are gone. Though nothing will last forever, we have the potential to make something of the future, and the future is far less fleeting than the moment.

My best wishes to all you EP goers, I hope you find everything you're looking for here, and as well as in life. Cheers!
22-25, M
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Oct 13, 2015
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I Am Here To Make New Friends
Hoping to meet some people similar to me :D
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