I've Been Thinking

And I've been drinking, too, unfortunately. I'm so ashamed of myself for, once again, only getting on here when I drink. I got on while I was sober the other day, and I just couldn't do it. My anxiety literally stopped me from coming on to a forum where I'm anonymous and can say whatever I want. Not only that, I have zero clue on what to talk about, what to reply with, or who to talk to. I hate it. I can see this effecting my life, as well. My social life is non-existent. Friend I used to hang out with on a daily basis, I haven't seen in almost 2 years. I hate going out in public, I hate being social, and I really hate my anxiety. But, when I have a couple drinks and relax, I start to become a real socialite. I go from not saying a word to not shutting up, and it's one of the better feelings I've had. I actually enjoy socializing, but I can't bring myself to do it unless I'm buzzed/drunk. I'm honestly at a loss for words, because the last thing I want to do is become an alcoholic, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life as a recluse and risk losing the few friends, and fiancee, I have.