Looking back I was sooooo much happier and to think everything I put myself through was meant to make me happy.

Way back to around 2011 on my birthday. Original face, genuine smile at a restaurant my parents took the family out to. That day was my day and I remember being super stoked and amped up. I used to be funny. I used to tell jokes and make people laugh. I was actually voted class clown in 7th grade. People told me back then to never change and the proof is in my yearbook as I look back at all the old signatures and promises of what will come. I did change though. I did what I thought would make me happier but instead I am so damn miserable. I don't know what I want anymore. I thought by getting surgery and looking better I would be more confident and have the entire world at my feet. Sure I get noticed a lot more but I also feel more insecure about it. Oh god I'm still not good enough, not thin enough, not tall enough, I look awful, I need a new nose, I want to change everything again. Maybe this time I will get it right?

Another confession? Yes, I do have an eating disorder and I have had one for years off and on. Right now is the worst it has ever been. It was rough in the past but I had more of a positive out look on the whole thing. Wow I'm going to be so thin everyone will think I'm awesome or good enough. I will be envied for once. I also saw what my brother went through growing up as the chubby kid and how my parents treated him and I was afraid that would be me. To this day he is still chubby and has problems with it. He still gets torn apart by our parents and tends to be the subject of scrutiny. I can tell it bothers him but he tries not to let it show. I'm not even safe from their harsh eyes.

I just wish I could be like the old version of me. He was good enough all along and I couldn't see it.