I Feel Like I'm Losing My Mind

Have you ever found something that makes you feel secure? I found that something was booze and a gay scene, but that security has now become my biggest insecurity it's made me doubt who I am and what I'm about, question my abilities and grow to hate myself even more. I have Emotionally unstable personality disorder, so I go from panicky to insecure, to angry to happy to tired to promiscuous to empty within a day sometimes it's over weeks or months and sometimes I flick through all in 3 days. I self harmed yesterday, I used a razor blade to write hell on my leg, and when the blood smudged it looked pretty convincing, now it's a scabby word on my thigh "hell" why hell? I don't even remember why I did it or when, I just remember the pain, my desperation for release, the desperation to feel anything for someone to feel anything for me, to see me as more than nothing, more than the worthless piece of shit I am, but I guess you can't see something that isn't there.