I Struggle With Life
Why don't you see greatness in me? In us? Why do you only see our shit? I disliked all of the movies of my life, for they only show just how sinful I really was, and just how sinful my friends really were. It sucks, I hate these worlds, I really do, I am so ashamed to say that these are the movies of my life. No matter how hard I fought for a better world, the people I cared about the most for were hurt I'm sure God. Is that how you see me, I know I never saw it in that light, that's not what I prayed for, that's not how I saw things, it didn't even happen yet. How could they cast stones at me for something that didn't even happen yet, or for something that happened with somebody else pinned on someone else?! The whole world is confusing, Lord you promised that you were not the author of confusion, but look at what you've done! Yes I'm angry at you, and frightened when it comes to pass. I've found it was even harder to try and keep my loved ones in my life once they've seen the world, for they turn on me and become my enemy, and attack me till the very end until there is no one left. Then the undercovers bring in their secret weapon the false prophet who is there to spread evil half truths and lies about me accusing me of all sorts of evil, to the point where I don't even know who I am anymore, I know I'm not that! She spreads her disease, and her adulteries among the nations, and they drink her in, and reject me. I dare not be defensive for I look like a paranoid fool. So I go on carving out my own path, treating people the way that I want to be treated, then I consider my relationship with God, and yes I love Him for all that He has taught me in the bible to cope with all of this, but I still don't nor will I ever understand His worlds aka the movies of my life. I hate them, luckily GOd says friendship with the world is enmity with the Lord so glad we're both on the same page, but I've tried to fight for a better world, it still wasn't perfect, It was even more foolish then the ones before it! I hated it! I am so dissapointed in the world, thus I am so dissapointed in what the Lord see's in us, me! For I see myself in each character, and we are all one! But I see my family in all of them as well and I see other people in them too. It's bleak. It's dissapointing, it's embarrassing, it's shameful, it sucks! Even my righteousness is like that of thilthy rags, and false prophet's spread lies. I dare not share my story with the average Joe, for they might send me off to the psyche ward, like they always do. But it's the truth. My story must be kept secret, for fear that I sound like a nut job, I am left feeling like a freak show, alienated from my peers and like I should be ashamed of who I really am.
