I Am Looking For An Online Friend

[b]Online "friends"[/b]

In my short time on this site, I've noticed a concerning trend. I have had many users contact me through private messaging and we exchange some light-hearted messages, small-talk, a couple interesting conversations.

And then, within days, they are calling me "friend", saying they like me & my company, they feel a "deep connection", gotten to know me, or that they miss me when I'm offline. All very sweet, but it does concern me.

Please be aware, you have NO IDEA who you are talking to online. And I'm not just talking about fakes. Even genuine people with no bad intentions, you don't really know who they are. It is in the very nature of online communications. You are not experiencing that person as a person, you are only reading their words (which may or may not be genuine).

A perfect example of this: a user contacted me a few days ago and we started chatting. Within a day or so, they told me I had a kind and sweet personality that was rare to find. I tried to gently point out that they did not know that about me, they just enjoyed my messages. They seemed to quickly form an attachment (saying they missed me, I brightened their day, etc) and again I warned them against too quickly forming an opinion when all they have to go by is my messages. They then accused me of being arrogant and rude and they didn't want to talk anymore. The irony is that this was exactly what I was warning them of.

I enjoy having an online chat as much as the next person. But please for the love of God don't treat it like the deepest friendship of your life. Don't assume you know that person. Don't make judgements based on a few messages. People are multi - faceted beings and it is very hard (impossible?) to gain an accurate perspective online.

Be careful, be safe, and don't get hurt. :)

SW-User

I agree this story is a good foundation to enter discussions on. I would caution against being so closed off that you miss out on true friendships. I started on EP in 2010.and was on IRC in the 1990s and early 2000. I get bothered sometimes when people separate online and IRL. Everything I do is part of my real life. Perhaps I am just an old odd ball. And I have made many friends online. Met a good number of them in person. Had them in my home. Witnessed two get married and have a child. Etc....

Randomlygenerated · 26-30, F

@SW-User I agree that genuine connections can be made online, however I think that is the exception, not the rule. Many people seem to have high expectations of what an online chat can lead to, and I think the trend in online "bf/gf" relationships (where, initially at least, there is no intention of meeting) is very concerning, as people think that talking to someone online is a suitable surrogate for real-life interactions. It most definitely is not; it should be used very differently, and people you chat to online are not 'friends' the same way people you meet in real life are. Of course, you might end up meeting someone and it might go very well. But in the majority of cases, that does not happen.
I guess I made this post partly to make my own stance clear, so people understand that I am not interested in forming relationships on here (like that worked...!). But also, to warn others not just about potential fakes and scammers, but also that the nice, genuine people they talk to, are just internet versions of themselves. They may be real, they may not be purposely lying to you, but you can't see body language, hear tone of voice you, tell if they have awful BO. You only know the parts of their day they choose to tell you. You only hear their perspective on interactions they have with others. So I just want people to be careful, as there seems to be a lot of hurt and hurting people on here.

Doug57 · 61-69, M

So true what you say here.... from my online chat friendships and relationships I noticed over the years that our minds automatically fill in the blanks about that person we may be 'fond of' chatting with. What we respond to when we connect with them is to a high percentage a fabrication of our own minds, our own desires. we sort of paste it over the gaps in what we really do actually know about that person. I once met a woman for a week who I had been an online lover together with for 5 months or so... I was shocked by how much different she was than how iI had perceived, while still being 100% accurate to everything she had said and portrayed about herself. My mind had automatically filled in the blanks with my fondest hopes for her significantly altering how she really was in spite of her clear articulate communications and attempts to be 100% clear and transparent about who she was.