I Want to Move On and Forget the Past
Regularly my mother would tell me that I won't amount to anything, that i'm not her son, that I don't matter, she just wanted to destroy my self-esteem before it was even made.
Than my first best friend would choke me in the middle of the apartment complex, he claimed to be my best friend, yet he'd almost kill me, while my brother, and my cousin watched, while so many people just watched, and I just helplessly tried to fight back, and then he'd say that if he had choked me further, i'd die, maybe to show me that i'm nothing without his mercy.
Then came another, i thought he was my friend, he was a cousin, almost 10 years older than me, he was the first thing I had close to a brother, but he molested me for a month, every night he'd get on top of me, and i'd protest but he'd get annoyed and then i'd just lie there while he satisfies himself, while his brother slept beside us, I don't know if he knew what was going on, I don't know if my family in the next room knew what was going on.
And then I turned 13, while my mother would continue her attacks on my self esteem, and my father would continue to ignore me, and fight among themselves, burn things, humiliate each other, leave us hungry, in a place with barely any water, and mere hours of electricity, and my brother would continue beating my sister up, and i'd try and defend her with not much success, all I felt was the helplessness, the weakness.
Growing up to 14, I met my soon to be second best friend, I thought he had changed my life, but it was all for himself, he didn't even respect me, and then after all the emotional abuse, after all the humiliation, he left me to rot.
At 17, I finally left it all, just hid in my home, I had no education, no strength, I was full of fear, full of weakness, full of emptiness, with no hope, and even in all that, another cousin of mine enters my life, grows close to me, and makes me vulnerable, I open up to him in moments of weakness, and he uses it all against me, now at 22, I have nothing, but regret, and memories of bad decisions, but I do have caring online friends, friends that I never thought could help me, started to change me, started to support me emotionally, and finally I feel like I can escape, escape to a life away from this sick country and its sick people, for a long time all I wanted was revenge, but now all I want is to leave and to move on.
Than my first best friend would choke me in the middle of the apartment complex, he claimed to be my best friend, yet he'd almost kill me, while my brother, and my cousin watched, while so many people just watched, and I just helplessly tried to fight back, and then he'd say that if he had choked me further, i'd die, maybe to show me that i'm nothing without his mercy.
Then came another, i thought he was my friend, he was a cousin, almost 10 years older than me, he was the first thing I had close to a brother, but he molested me for a month, every night he'd get on top of me, and i'd protest but he'd get annoyed and then i'd just lie there while he satisfies himself, while his brother slept beside us, I don't know if he knew what was going on, I don't know if my family in the next room knew what was going on.
And then I turned 13, while my mother would continue her attacks on my self esteem, and my father would continue to ignore me, and fight among themselves, burn things, humiliate each other, leave us hungry, in a place with barely any water, and mere hours of electricity, and my brother would continue beating my sister up, and i'd try and defend her with not much success, all I felt was the helplessness, the weakness.
Growing up to 14, I met my soon to be second best friend, I thought he had changed my life, but it was all for himself, he didn't even respect me, and then after all the emotional abuse, after all the humiliation, he left me to rot.
At 17, I finally left it all, just hid in my home, I had no education, no strength, I was full of fear, full of weakness, full of emptiness, with no hope, and even in all that, another cousin of mine enters my life, grows close to me, and makes me vulnerable, I open up to him in moments of weakness, and he uses it all against me, now at 22, I have nothing, but regret, and memories of bad decisions, but I do have caring online friends, friends that I never thought could help me, started to change me, started to support me emotionally, and finally I feel like I can escape, escape to a life away from this sick country and its sick people, for a long time all I wanted was revenge, but now all I want is to leave and to move on.
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