I Have Issues With My Mother

One day I finally came to realize that my mother's whole life and thinking and all of her awful behavior toward me were driven by one thing: Her belief in Stalinist communism and her long time membership and underground life in the Communist Party.

I had found all this out by connecting the dots from my own very painful memories, a lot of books I had read the year I retired and had time to read them, some facts gleaned from my father's FOIA file (Freedom of Information Act), some discussions I'd had with various people over the years, and my mother's sometimes strange, erratic and extreme behaviors. I put it all together and it added up.

I came to understand that my mother was what is called an elite deviant; she believed she lived for a higher cause and that she was above the laws and rules of her society. She scorned what she may have thought of as "bourgeois morality."

I speculated that she lived her underground life as a spy would live. I came to understand that what I had formerly believed were my most paranoid speculations about her...were probably the exact plain truth; she had done terrible things. And she was proud of herself for doing them. The very definition of elite deviance.

In her far left way, she was like Oliver North or G. Gordan Liddy, two right wing examples of elite deviance. She was, as she saw it, above the law and above everyday morality.

greenmountaingal · 70-79, F

Thank you for your kind reply.

My mother did have her good side. But her behavior was more than just emotionally cruel. I believe she had the power of life and death over many people.

My problems with my mother were not just those of a generation gap. And her behavior to me was sometimes benevolent, sometimes suddenly cruel or horrible for no apparent reason.

My problems with my mother went way beyond some typical emotional difficulties. She was a very powerful highly placed person in the CP. She came from generations of revolutionists in Russia and she was a true Red Queen.

She was my mother. I did love her. But I can't minimize the awful nature of the things she did to me and to many others. I am struggling to come to terms with the memories of a woman whom I loved but who still gives me nightmares.