I Have Social Phobia
For as long as I can remember I've been overly sensitive to rejection. Any smallest bit of negativity aimed my way can put me into instant tears and I avoid the person who looked down on me as much as possible if not completely. I've learned over time that this response is not a productive or healthy way to deal with the people who don't interact with me in a way I'm comfortable with. I've become a bit more thicker skinned from the influence of a few of the people close to me but the majority of the time I have avoided putting myself in situations where I need to have a voice, an opinion, or take any responsibility.
I know kids watch their parents for a living. What my daughter sees me do she will most likely repeat. I can't have that. To give my daughter a healthier role model to follow I've been forcing myself to step outside my comfort zone and take on positions of authority and finding ways for community involvement.
I started and became a Neighborhood Watch Lead for my neighborhood. Knocking on doors and hosting meetings was a bit beyond what I was expecting
I also started CERT (Community Emergency Response Teams) training.
I went to an ice cream social where I didn't know anyone except the hostess. I was able to have a few conversations with people I'd met for the first time. (One older man was very willing to have a conversation but we struggled to find anything in common. Fishing is usually a safe topic but he said he didn't like fishing. I asked him why and he said in the past he had owned about 7 fleets of commercial fishing boats. He retired from some form of investment banking. He was nice though.)
When I was in high school I found a way to manage my social phobia. It worked great except it was only immediate results and had too many dangers. I started using drugs and discovered I didn't care as much what other people thought about me if I was high. I had always had the right clothes and was raised with right kids, and hung out with the right kids but it was awkward and I never could feel comfortable with a group.
Using drugs I found what I thought was people who didn't judge me as much. This path took me to dropping out of school, teen pregnancy, and a long criminal record.
After cleaning up my I act I isolated myself away from others. No longer a criminal and not fitting in with the old crowd I'd grown up with I kept to myself. I still had a couple friends from both sides of the tracks I talked with and I've discovered that this is okay. There isn't one exact social role for me to live by.
A few days ago I had a social phobic nightmare come true. My son was missing and the only person who knew anything about him made it appear they were in extreme danger and then nothing about my son. Fearing the worst had happened and the changing stories of the other boy combined with his apparent change of mood from deathly scared to happily posting humorous things on Facebook I got confused and desperate. He said he had my son's phone and would turn it on after it charged. I was hoping to at least have a chance then of finding my son or at least get a lead from discovering the location of this boy. He wouldn't contact me to let me know if it turned on. He read my messages but ignored me. I posted on my timeline a question for him about answering the question about my son's phone and he went off about how i better show him respect before I can get any help from him. My friends and family got mad. They argued with him on the post about earning respect and being more helpful about finding my son.
My son called the next day. I announced it and thanked everyone for their support. I contacted everyone individually who had sent me a private message about him being missing letting them know he had been found.
Then the post I had mentioned got really vicious. I was being called names by the boy's family and my family and friends were defending me. I couldn't believe what I had started and was shocked by having so many people hating me at once. I thanked everyone again who had been supportive and then deactivated my account.
I thought my life was basically over but then life went on. Those people probably still hate me but the world is still turning and my daughter still needs me to be a positive influence in her life and take of her. These other people might hate me but others still love me and I know I did what I thought was the right thing to do at the time considering what information I had and the mental state I was in. Isn't that all anyone can do in any situation?
I'll end this long story with one more thing. Life without Facebook is more productive and more freely experienced. I use my time more wisely now getting more things done and not having to worry about how many "Likes" I got. If I want to have a friendship with anyone I was Friends with on Facebook then I will give them a call and we can make plans to go do something together. Obviously I can't do this with all the Friends I had online but does it really matter? Were they really my friend or just me trying to hang onto the past. If our friendship is meant to last then we will find a way to continue to be friends ----offline.
Jeez this was long. Thank you for reading it.
I know kids watch their parents for a living. What my daughter sees me do she will most likely repeat. I can't have that. To give my daughter a healthier role model to follow I've been forcing myself to step outside my comfort zone and take on positions of authority and finding ways for community involvement.
I started and became a Neighborhood Watch Lead for my neighborhood. Knocking on doors and hosting meetings was a bit beyond what I was expecting
I also started CERT (Community Emergency Response Teams) training.
I went to an ice cream social where I didn't know anyone except the hostess. I was able to have a few conversations with people I'd met for the first time. (One older man was very willing to have a conversation but we struggled to find anything in common. Fishing is usually a safe topic but he said he didn't like fishing. I asked him why and he said in the past he had owned about 7 fleets of commercial fishing boats. He retired from some form of investment banking. He was nice though.)
When I was in high school I found a way to manage my social phobia. It worked great except it was only immediate results and had too many dangers. I started using drugs and discovered I didn't care as much what other people thought about me if I was high. I had always had the right clothes and was raised with right kids, and hung out with the right kids but it was awkward and I never could feel comfortable with a group.
Using drugs I found what I thought was people who didn't judge me as much. This path took me to dropping out of school, teen pregnancy, and a long criminal record.
After cleaning up my I act I isolated myself away from others. No longer a criminal and not fitting in with the old crowd I'd grown up with I kept to myself. I still had a couple friends from both sides of the tracks I talked with and I've discovered that this is okay. There isn't one exact social role for me to live by.
A few days ago I had a social phobic nightmare come true. My son was missing and the only person who knew anything about him made it appear they were in extreme danger and then nothing about my son. Fearing the worst had happened and the changing stories of the other boy combined with his apparent change of mood from deathly scared to happily posting humorous things on Facebook I got confused and desperate. He said he had my son's phone and would turn it on after it charged. I was hoping to at least have a chance then of finding my son or at least get a lead from discovering the location of this boy. He wouldn't contact me to let me know if it turned on. He read my messages but ignored me. I posted on my timeline a question for him about answering the question about my son's phone and he went off about how i better show him respect before I can get any help from him. My friends and family got mad. They argued with him on the post about earning respect and being more helpful about finding my son.
My son called the next day. I announced it and thanked everyone for their support. I contacted everyone individually who had sent me a private message about him being missing letting them know he had been found.
Then the post I had mentioned got really vicious. I was being called names by the boy's family and my family and friends were defending me. I couldn't believe what I had started and was shocked by having so many people hating me at once. I thanked everyone again who had been supportive and then deactivated my account.
I thought my life was basically over but then life went on. Those people probably still hate me but the world is still turning and my daughter still needs me to be a positive influence in her life and take of her. These other people might hate me but others still love me and I know I did what I thought was the right thing to do at the time considering what information I had and the mental state I was in. Isn't that all anyone can do in any situation?
I'll end this long story with one more thing. Life without Facebook is more productive and more freely experienced. I use my time more wisely now getting more things done and not having to worry about how many "Likes" I got. If I want to have a friendship with anyone I was Friends with on Facebook then I will give them a call and we can make plans to go do something together. Obviously I can't do this with all the Friends I had online but does it really matter? Were they really my friend or just me trying to hang onto the past. If our friendship is meant to last then we will find a way to continue to be friends ----offline.
Jeez this was long. Thank you for reading it.
