Growing up, I was always the fat kid. Growing up during a time when the epitome of beauty was whiteness, thinness, blonde hair, and coloured eyes was hard. Half of my family is Mexican, the other is Chinese, and I never fit in. When I was in Mexico, I looked too Chinese to be pretty, and when I went to China, I looked too Mexican to be pretty. Where I was born, i wasn't white enough to be pretty. Everyone made sure I knew that. My grandma would only feed my attractive cousins, and wouldn't let me eat strawberries or anything because she said I was too fat and ugly.
I've just always felt insecure, even now that I've lost weight and matured, I'm still insecure. I think that a lot of people perceive me to be somewhat beautiful, at least when I do my makeup and stuff. People always come to me and tell me I'm pretty or that I look like a doll. Some tell me I'm creepy looking and that I look like an alien.
No one liked me when I was "ugly", and no one likes me now that I'm "pretty". The outside can change the way people treat you, but even if you change yourself on the outside, on the inside you still feel pathetic and unwanted. Being pretty doesn't mean anything in the end to you. I always thought that it was stupid and cheesy when people said it was the inside that really counted, when clearly the outside meant a lot to everyone.
But what I've realised is that it's the inside that determines how you see yourself and treat yourself.
You can be some beautiful supermodel and think you're disgusting and ugly. You can be a crusty old man and think you're hot shit, lol.
Confidence and pride doesn't come from your appearance. It comes from your perspective and thoughts about yourself. Youth and physical beauty fade in everyone. One day, we'll all be wrinkly and saggy. But that doesn't mean we have to see ourselves as ugly. Plenty of things make us beautiful. The way we care for our communities, the way we treat our pets and children, our accomplishments and skills.
