I am terribly sorry to post yet another ramble of sorts, but I'm at least hoping that it'll help a bit to write things down, as I feel as if I'm at my wit's end.
I understand that this is a non-issue. God, the terrible things I've read on Similar Worlds alone, of the tragedies and horrors that people have gone through and must face daily. This feeling of loneliness pales in comparison with the things that have happened to the poor folks all around us. And yet it is something very real to me. I feel very ashamed to even compare this petty problem to those sorts of situations, but I feel that I must do so now. For it's gotten to the point where I don't know if I can take it anymore. Destructive - almost to the point of being absolutely crippling - loneliness. No other way to put it.
I've been listening to a wonderful piece by Saint-Saëns, ''The Swan'', on loop for the past week. There's something about it, the feeling of peace, serenity, solace. The darker thoughts cease, all becomes silent, except for that bittersweet melody. I feel calm, I forget all else. I'm not one to listen to classical music that much, but this one was just different. It sort of ''spoke'' to me, for lack of a better term. I realized something. What I want from life, what I truly, undoubtedly want is to be able to overwhelm others with such wonderful torrents of feelings. To make them feel loved, calm and protected. To make them happy, even if for just a moment. I've always wanted to help people in one way or another, but now that I know exactly what sort of help I wish to offer, the feelings of hopelessness and dread have increased tenfold. How could I ever amount to such greatness as Saint-Saëns? How could I, someone who isn't even capable of creating anything meaningful, be able to not only help, but ''heal'' people? And here I go again... This loneliness has completely ruined any sort of motivation to improve even the slightest, any semblance of sanity I have left, any shred of courage I had to begin with. It has destroyed me as a person. This is exactly why my greatest wish is to help others avoid such a fate. Because in reality, we all deserve to live a happy life. Each and every single one of us, no matter how broken or mad, no matter how rich or poor, no matter what race or nationality. And I would give everything - my energy, my time, my love - to provide at least a single person that sort of life.
I've been lonely for as long as I can remember. Very few friends (thank the heavens that I've somehow managed to stumble upon those few lovely people that don't take offense to me calling them friends) that have now drifted away, even fewer who can tolerate to talk to me (this site's helped a lot in that regard. I'm overjoyed to have met some wonderful people on here). What I wouldn't give to just talk with someone, face to face, and not feel as if I'm just being plain annoying and stupid. I'd dare to go as far and wish for one day having the chance to actually have someone want to talk to me, not just tolerate me being there. I don't blame anyone but myself for this, though. I am a deeply, deeply flawed individual, and I feel that even this is an understatement. This is a prison of my own making. A prison composed of the way I walk, talk, look, act and think. I know this sounds very much like whining (and that's because it is), like simple blabbering. I know. Something stops me usually (luckily) from writing such trite very often, but it seems that the ''something'' isn't here today. Sorry about that...
And so here I am. I know that I'm asking so very much by wishing such things, since love, true love, the sort of platonic kind, where two souls meet and somehow intertwine and become one, where people just enjoy each-other's company and want nothing more from life than to live and love, where people just talk and talk and talk for days, is something that not all of us sadly manage to find. And the ability to soothe the minds of many through music is something even rarer. In reality, I don't know what to wish for, what to hope for, what to work towards. Right now, all I want is to help, no matter what. Even this is very hypocritical of me to say, since I haven't actually worked as a volunteer or done anything that concrete to help the masses. I feel that a wreck like me wouldn't be of much use. But that is truly what I want. No other dreams anymore, just that. Because maybe, just maybe, through the joy of others I can finally find a ray of happiness of my very own. It's very selfish to think so, at least that's what it seems like to me. But I'm all out of other threads to hang onto.
I wonder sometimes - how do the hundreds of thousands of other people who suffer from similar thoughts cope with this? As much as I've tried to give advice, I can't seem to find a surefire way to help myself, let alone others, even if my life depended upon it. Something, which is quickly becoming more and more actual day by day. Alright. I think this is it. I've droned on long enough. A right and proper walk would do me good, I think. Heck, who knows, maybe one day I'll have found someone to take that walk with? If you read through all of this, just know that I'm sorry that I wasted your time with this craptacular mess. You probably deserve a medal for enduring all this. I just had to get it out somehow. I wish you all a wonderful day and the best of luck!