The day my dad died

Once the plug was pulled, it took hours. Hours of spasms and gurgling and watching the man that made me feel worse than anyone ever had die. My half bro and sis were sobbing but I hadn't seen my dad in four years, I could barely produce any tears.

After he was gone I walked out of the hospital room into the hall. It was early AM and there was Xmas music playing. A nurse came and asked me if I was okay. She said that people sometimes have cold hurt and experience delayed grief. She was very kind. But I felt a light inside me turn off. I felt nothingness so deeply it frightened me. I went to work the next day confused, not knowing what else to do and I feel like I have lived a half life ever since.

When I lost my mom it was much slower and more painful, but the cold hurt dominates my emotions.

The way everything turned out... divorce, death, running away, hiding, abusive flings, dead end friends and being a single mom without support... I miss that warm part of me. But I'll never have my parents back. I will never feel like someones child, that love is gone. My son and I love each other insanely, but there's part of me that's giving up on being loved.

My parents barely put up a fight to live, like it meant nothing they had a child(ren). I try to convince myself Im not worthless, but it's not a good place to start.

I still don't know what to do.