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I Am Concerned About My Mental Health Sometimes

Have in mind when reading this that I was never really dignosed, but I suffered in silence and lonliness for 4 years.

I was depressed, had suicadal thoughts, anxiety attacks etc and wasn't really feeling well for about 4 years. And I knew then as much as I know now that my thoughts were poisonous. My mind was ill. It is called a disorder because of a reason; I knew that I was sick and that my mind wasn't my own anymore. These thoughts where getting out of controle. But I got help and got better.
Although after that I was afraid to fall back into, as I previously have described it, that bottomless pit. Especially as I know depression is an illness with a high number in relapsing patients.
Now 2.5 years have passed but now, a happening have triggered something in me.
I am once again getting bad. Not as I did years ago, but it...it's weird.
Some nights I struggle getting up only to close my window. It feels like all good I have in my life will end up badly and that it would all be my fault.
My thoughts spiral and I feel just as terrible in a way that I did before.
Not only that. I get anxious and thoughts like: "Nobody likes me, I am just annoying" pops up in my head. And it's really difficult when these thoughts go out on my partner. As soon as he doesn't anwser on a text or almost any small thing my mind goes to bad places and once again spirals. "He doesn't actually love me..." etc etc.
These feelings and thoughts feel real, but as I have been feeling a bit like I did a few years ago; I know that these thoughts might "not be my own".
It is scary when you feel yourself deteriorating. When you don't know wether your thoughts come from reason or an illness.
MURD3RM0NK3Y · 26-30, M
They are definitely your own thoughts. The human mind is incredibly powerful. You have control over them you just need to find ways to keep the negative thoughts away. Also, I have been suffering in silence and loneliness for most of my life. It’s up to you to change that.
attaboy · 22-25
@MURD3RM0NK3Y I do know depression is an illness. I do not know that I had depression or have a mental illness. I know that I was strugglin to the extent that I self harmed in some extent and I was incredibly close to killing myself- All I can say. Something was wrong. Really wrong. And I am afraid this will lead to the same ending as last time.
I only express what I feel. Not facts
MURD3RM0NK3Y · 26-30, M
@attaboy Well you even said at the end of
your post “When you don't know wether your thoughts come from reason or an illness”. Now you just said you don’t know you had depression or a mental illness. Even though you said you suffered silence and loneliness for 4 years. You are confusing yourself.
attaboy · 22-25
@MURD3RM0NK3Y
Yes. I dont KNOW anything.
And I did suffer. I just dont KNOW what it was. But I can guess.
hlpflwthat · M
I know I don't know you and I'm certainly not a doctor. But it sure sounds like it could be time for some maintenance. I call your pit 'the hole.' I think there's a big(huge) difference coming back from fuckin around at the edge of the pit - and needing someone to pull you from the bottom. Food for thought. Good luck.
attaboy · 22-25
@hlpflwthat
Yes. I am dealing with it this time. As soon as I noticed these feelings reoccuring. I tried getting help. I am working on it. And I am actually "stopping the regression" if you can call it that.
hlpflwthat · M
I get what you mean. Proactive is way better than reactive, And even reactive is better than cashing in the cards and giving up. It's the best game in town - and I think I see your recognition in your words. You know it gets better.
attaboy · 22-25
@hlpflwthat Yeah, I atleast know that what my thoughts are portraying isn't nessecarily what is going to happen.
getmeouttahere · 36-40, F
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. That sounds like what I'm going through right now. Fighting those thoughts is not easy. If you ever just need to vent feel free to message me. I've found that venting to people who haven't been through it usually scares them away.
attaboy · 22-25
@getmeouttahere
Thank you! I say same same. Just send a messege. I cannot garantue that I will anwser right away. But I will try!
Deadcutie · 18-21, F

 
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