I Want The World To Be A Better Place
someone told me this recently, and it really got to me: "The truth is those who are seen as heartless once cared too much. There are a very select few who have no agendas, no ill wishes, and have the ability to appreciate the gut-wrenching, soul-bearing words that are put out there, but we admire those words safely from a distance for a number of reasons many of which you touched on up there. For those who let it go unsaid, thank you for trying when so few tried even though it lead you to where you are now."
I'm not a good person. I never was. But no matter how much anger and poison and walls are in me now - have always been in me on some level - no matter how much bad shit's been done to me, and no matter how much bad shit I've done, I can't deny that despite it all, I really did try.
I looked at the darkness in the world and actually tried to do something about it. I looked at all of the pretense that chokes the world and lets us ignore the darkness, and tried to cut through bits of it a thousand times, with a hundred different people. I spent years living a life of total honesty, tempered by kindness, no matter how many times the world showed me that it hated me for it. I stood up and tried to do something about 3 different bullies I worked with - two of which cost me my job in the end. I tried to help people again and again, mostly online, but also irl sometimes. The pretense endured 99% of the time, the bullies never got punished or even weakened, except for one that probably won't get promoted as easily because of the investigation that got opened up on her. There were a tiny handful of times when the people I tried to help made positive changes in their lives or in their worldviews - usually only small ones, but a couple that were more meaningful - in part because of counsel I had given.
No matter how little my efforts came to, no matter how low I've fallen or how cold and careless of a person I've become - I can still say that unlike so many people, I really did sacrifice in order to try and make the world a better place.
I'm not a good person. I never was. But no matter how much anger and poison and walls are in me now - have always been in me on some level - no matter how much bad shit's been done to me, and no matter how much bad shit I've done, I can't deny that despite it all, I really did try.
I looked at the darkness in the world and actually tried to do something about it. I looked at all of the pretense that chokes the world and lets us ignore the darkness, and tried to cut through bits of it a thousand times, with a hundred different people. I spent years living a life of total honesty, tempered by kindness, no matter how many times the world showed me that it hated me for it. I stood up and tried to do something about 3 different bullies I worked with - two of which cost me my job in the end. I tried to help people again and again, mostly online, but also irl sometimes. The pretense endured 99% of the time, the bullies never got punished or even weakened, except for one that probably won't get promoted as easily because of the investigation that got opened up on her. There were a tiny handful of times when the people I tried to help made positive changes in their lives or in their worldviews - usually only small ones, but a couple that were more meaningful - in part because of counsel I had given.
No matter how little my efforts came to, no matter how low I've fallen or how cold and careless of a person I've become - I can still say that unlike so many people, I really did sacrifice in order to try and make the world a better place.
