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I wish i could help..

But they don't want my help.. they probably never did. that's been such a hard thing to admit to myself. I'm vain like anyone, and like anyone, I too can be easily lead astray. I've spent so many miserable hours over it.. my head spinning in spiraling circles about what I must have done wrong. What I might be able to do right the next time. But the next time just got further and further away, and now it's gone.

I am ashamed to say now that at times I was even angry at them, but now I know who truly is to blame. How stupid I was to try so hard and for so long. Looking back it's just embarrassing. How can I not ask, why? Not why they weren't interested in my friendship, but why I couldn't take the hint.. why I didn't have more self respect.. why I felt I wasn't good enough? Or that I somehow deserved what I got, no matter what I got. I clearly don't love myself enough, or value my own company or time, as much as I truly need to.

The truth is I had no business in their world. That's my fault. It's my fault I wasn't willing to face the truth earlier. I. Never. Belonged. There. In. Their. World. I wish I knew what was wrong with me? Is it that I want what I can never get back. What I can not have. That time I wasted. The decisions I made. I wanted the fantasy of another chance. How could I ever blame them for that? I don't. I no longer blame them for anything I myself have allowed.

An old friend texted me recently. I knew her when she was just 15 and lost her dad tragically. I can see now that I was a poor substitute, she was just hurting so badly. It should go without saying, but there was no sex or anything romantic, as I never wanted that from her or anyone that young, aside from the moral criminal aspects of it, developing mental states in very young bodies is just a huge turn off, as I am only in women.

Anyway, 15 years later we are still friends, we text now and again and share photos and express unabashed sentiments of kindness and caring. She even has a beautiful baby boy now, and I still don't have a kid. There are no head games, everything feels easy, just two people who love each other very dearly. I often thought maybe something similar is what I wanted with you, maybe that's just not who we ever were. But it's not going to happen and I have to mourn for that loss, grieve for it properly, if I am ever to be at peace. I want to be at peace.. finally.. I am ready.

PepsiColaP · 22-25, F Best Comment

RubySoo · 51-55, F
Your words hit a nerve.
Ive been in a similar situation feeling the same way. I hope you find your peace with it all.

Nice to see ya back.
goliathtree · 56-60, M
It must be you buddy. I'm not shooting blanks.
JohnnyO · 36-40, M
Your back I missed you friend

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