I Hide My True Feelings

From an outside perspective I appear as a goofy happy go lucky guy. Like I'm all about laughing, making jokes, and having a good time. That is a side of me however I hide my dark side, very well if I do say so myself. My heart is full of hatred, thirst for revenge maybe even a little carnage. With laws and societal constructs as they are, I can't just go off on people, specifically those who have hurt me. I want them to feel equally the pain they caused me. I'd go so far as to psychological torture to those who have beaten me. And emotional trauma to those who have betrayed and left me. But I can't because my life hangs in the balance. My social status and my livelihood. I cannot risk my job, risk losing trust of my family or even risk jail time. I cannot channel this rage without defying the law. It just builds up and up overtime to the point it boils over and I have an emotional meltdown. I have had several lately and if I haven't already made an argument for myself against suicide I might've attempted it by now. 26 years of life and I have very little to show for it, very little to call my own and nothing to give my life meaning and purpose. At this point in my life it feels like an endless charade. I hate being filled of rage and hatred, full of indifference towards things and lack of motivation. An empty shell of a person who as already faded in the background. I have experience very little of what the world has to offer and most of what I have experienced is now dull and far too familiar. I feel like I need to go on a rampage, take it out on someone but I cant do that. I can't take it out on someone who has done nothing to me. So what am I left with?