I Just Wanna Be Me

But I don't really know who me is. You see I wrote wonderful words. appreciated by all. kept people alive made them realise the hope living inside them. The dreams unspoken come out and start to materialise.

my compassion is often unrivalled.

my hatred of racism and homophobia is high.

yet I am fake. I say get up. shower. Eat. Get out of your house. Come home. Eat. sleep. dream. slow the world down when you feel happy. revel in that happiness. profile The things that make you that happy. find more similar things and do them too.

yet here I lie. In my bed. Still sorting. throwing out parts of my old life I don't need anymore. organising parts of my future.

But my present suffers at those hands. I don't live so well. When I meet people I am nervous to tell them what I've been up to. talking with suicidal people. bringing those with marital difficulties back towards each other. or towards hope at least for themselves. throwing honesty and responsibility at those who do not see that they have that choice to make.

But truth be told. Most of the time I'm hesitating. I don't want to get out of the chair. my lower back hurts from an operation. It hurts in the chair but it's constant. The same. unchanging. If I get up to do something perhaps it will hurt more. I often lack connection with people. This fuels addictions. One is a dirty pleasure. One is sitting at Facebook or TV. wishing I could start a food garden or learn to program a databa<x>se.

Instead just hesitating. and I don't often choose to listen into myself and learn.

I want to. And this girl I met here today has taught me beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is possible.

I met a legend some years ago. returning to that place I might meet him again but broken. His neighbours were burning and it got out of control. He lost his beautiful house. First time I met him I was a shadow. This time, maybe, I'll be myself.