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I Write Short Stories

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THE HEARSE DRIVER
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This is the story of a Hearse Driver and one of his experiences. His name is Calistus. and he is a man from a Rural Area in his country. He Grew up in a Poor Family. His father was a Farmer and Mother was a housewife. He had two siblings.
When he became 18yrs his father sent him to work in a Funeral Parlour situated few miles away from his home which was belongs to one of his friends. Which was in a small city where they Embalming etc. Initially he was just helping the owner of the funeral parlour in day to day activities. Thie funeral parlour had few other employees too. Calistus was learning things fast and he became the favourite employee of the owner of the funeral parlour in six to seven years time. so the owner appointed him to look after the day to day business since the owner too was getting old day by day. Young Calistus learned to drive the Hearse too where they had too Hearses which were bit old models.
One day it was a very busy day where they had to embalm about four bodies and deliver to their respective houses
So there are two embalmers in the parlour and they were working towards it. Firstly they finished a body of a old lady and Calistus went and deliverd it.
Secondly he went and deliverd a body of a middle aged man.
In his next turn he went and delivered a body of a Child. By the time he got back to the funeral parlour it was 10am in the night after delivering the body.
By the time he came back embalmers were still working on the fourth body. Calistus did not even see the body since he was so hungry and he just parked the Hearse and went to have Dinner in a Small Shop situated about 500 Meters away from the Parlour.
By the time he came back the body was ready and the Embalmers helped him to put the Coffin inside the Hearse.
Calistus did not know who is inside the Coffin since he did not see. He had to go to a Rural area to deliver the body which was about 35Miles away from the funeral parlor.
By the time he left the funeral parlour it was already past 11.30pm.
He had to travel in Gravel Roads through a lot of Tall Trees, Through Jungles etc. Only the Moon was there to show him the way since he was all alone. Half way through he just stopped on a small bridge to smoke a Cigarette. He lit a Cigaratte and while smoking it he was talking to himself saying " i dont know who is inside the coffin, how many of them i deliver for a day. for a month. for a year. But i dont know wether somebody will deliver my body when i am dead.
He looked at the moon and said. " Moon only you are there to show me the Way"
He threw the Cigaratte butt away got in to the Hearse and started driving. He looked at the clock in the Hearse and it was 12.30am.
He got about another 15 miles to travel in this rural area where the road is not good at all .When he was driving ahead slowly he saw a girl walking at a distance with a handbag on her shoulder. For a moment he thought he was dreaming. He overtook this girl and stopped the Hearse. He asked the girl where are you going and she replied saying "i worked late today and missed the last bus. My house is few miles away from here"
Calistus asked her to get in to the Hearse to drop her since he was going in the same route. She refused. But since he asked her few times she finally got in.
They were talking to eachother and girl introduced herself as " Judy"
And she was dressed in a light blue frock and she had a black handbag.
They were talking about verious things and girl just asked him " who is dead"
he replied saying " i did not even see. I was so busy today. I deliverd about three bodies before this and this is the fourth"
By the time they came to a place where girl had to get off. She thanked him and said " my house is down this road. And you got to go straight for your location. Thank you again"
Calistus said goodbye to her and went to the respective house and delivered the body.
People over there helped him to carry the Coffin.
He just kept the stands and kept the body on it and opened the coffin. Guess what he saw,!#* It was the same girl who travelled in the Hurse with him who is dead.
He kept on looking at the body for few times. Got in to the hurse and drove away.


Please put a like if you Enjoyed❤
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hartfire · 61-69
You have asked me to heart your short story.
I am a writer and a Creative Writing student at uni.
I will offer some feedback -
and, of course, it is entirely up to you whether you choose to accept it.

1. never publish anything with spelling mistakes. There are also serious problems with some of the grammar and punctuation.

2. Show, don't tell. This is the first and most vital principle of good story-telling. It is easy to find out exactly what "show - don't tell" means by accessing free online advice written by successful writers - both the literary and the popular kinds.

3. A story is not complete unless what happens has changed the protagonist in some way.
Your hearse-driver gets a surprise to learn that his living hitch-hiker is the same person as the corpse in his coffin, (a nice touch of magical realism,) but we get no hint of how this discovery has affected or changed him. We, the readers, should learn about this change through the decisions or actions he takes as a result of the discovery. Simply turning around and going home doesn't tell me anything about how he has been changed.

4. A good story should have an underlying theme - something that provokes the reader to consider a question, or something which offers an insight into the human condition, clearly implied but never stated. I don't get a sense of this from your story. The end comes as a surprise, like opening a can of chickpeas and finding it contains cherries - unexpected but meaningless. There is no meaning in how a living girl ends up dead in a coffin that ostensibly already held the corps of the same person - unless you are trying to imply that he met her ghost. But even then, the encounter itself has no meaning. Neither character changes or impacts on the other.

5. The character of the protagonist is interesting but not sufficiently deep, complex or filled out. We see very little of who he is beyond being a "quick learner" and a devoted, diligent and patient employee. By the way, 6-7 years is not a quick time to learn that job. 6 -7 months might be. Details of a story need to be congruent with the whole.

I hope I have not offended you, and I hope you find the critique useful.

Your story is original, and definitely worth working on to bring to completion.
Most good writers will often write up to twenty drafts before being satisfied with the result.
And it generally takes ten years of full-time writing -
at no less than five hours of purposeful writing per day -
to reach a standard that publishers will accept.
Shayama · FVIP
@laotzu92 can you spot the spelling errors for me.
I can correct them then
hartfire · 61-69
@laotzu92 Thanks, Point accepted, Laotsu. The twist in the tale was a classic trope now considered somewhat clichéed - but I believe it will always have value in many forms.
I think, even with a twist, when the characters change in some way, the story is more interesting and more satisfying. But there are many tastes, and all are valid.
laotzu92 · M
@hartfire Very gracious response, Ms Clothos.
mathsman · 70-79, M
A fantasy for a troubled boy
mathsman · 70-79, M
@Shayama
Have you read clothos's critique.
I think you should manage your spelling. There are plenty of tools available.
As a writer you should know that.
However, it's more important to respond to clothos's comments. Have you?
Shayama · FVIP
@mathsman I agree.
I will correct them
Thank you for your kind reply
mathsman · 70-79, M
@Shayama
And what about clothos's comments.
The best advice you're likely to get.
SweetMae · 70-79, F
😊 Good Storytelling
SweetMae · 70-79, F
@Shayama I did.
Shayama · FVIP
@SweetMae thank you girl🙋
laotzu92 · M
@SweetMae i'm with SweetMae !
This message was deleted.
Shayama · FVIP
@SW-User it's a story that I imagine
This message was deleted.
Shayama · FVIP
@SW-User thank you
Degbeme · 70-79, M
Shayama · FVIP
@Degbeme pls put a like dear
Degbeme · 70-79, M
@Shayama I did.
WelshLovely · 46-50, F
Yeah, way to go, message a random stranger who lost her Dad recently to like a story about a hearse driver. Insensitive in the extreme.
Shayama · FVIP
@WelshLovely oh i just asked people randomly
WelshLovely · 46-50, F
@Shayama Well don't. If people want to read your story and like it, they will.
This was an interesting ztory... thank you for sharing.
Shayama · FVIP
@Soossie welcome.
Glad you like it💙
@Shayama 😣 I did..
very interesting storry
Shayama · FVIP
@looking4thesun thank you
Pls put a like
@Shayama I did hun
Shayama · FVIP
SW-User
Wow! Very good!
Shayama · FVIP
@SW-User did you enjoy
SW-User
@Shayama yeah. I like ghost stories. 🙂
Shayama · FVIP
@SW-User i like too.
nilammagi · 46-50, F
Very well written. I am really surprised that a talented person like you is just wasting such precious talent. You should go pro.
Shayama · FVIP
@nilammagi thank you dear.
Glad you like it.
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Shayama · FVIP
@Older4funEx really?

Why
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Shayama · FVIP
@Older4funEx oh okay
496sbc · 36-40, M
Very interesting story. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Shayama · FVIP
@496sbc glad u like💗it
496sbc · 36-40, M
Absolutely @Shayama
Rocky101 · 56-60, M
Very interesting story I enjoyed it
Shayama · FVIP
@Rocky101 oh thank you
Glad you did
michelle44 · 56-60, F
Shayama · FVIP
@michelle44 like it?
michelle44 · 56-60, F
@Shayama Yes ...think i would have collapsed !
Shayama · FVIP
Scubayoda · 46-50, M
Sometime I'll post one of mine for you
Scubayoda · 46-50, M
Can I chat with you
GJOFJ3 · 61-69, M
I enjoyed your story. Thanks.
ItsRichard · M
Interesting good story..
Shayama · FVIP
@ItsRichard thanks
ToyMan · 56-60, M
Very interesting.
Shayama · FVIP
@ToyMan thanks
haircutfreak · 51-55, M
I liked the story
Shayama · FVIP
@haircutfreak glad you do
Reii28 · 31-35, M
Wow, wonderful reading
Shayama · FVIP
@Reii28 glad you like it😀
Scubayoda · 46-50, M
Shayama · FVIP
@Scubayoda thank u
Scubayoda · 46-50, M
Your welcome
PeterJ · 56-60, M
Shayama · FVIP
@PeterJ thank u
Dang girl! You should be a writer!!! No kidding! I’d buy ur book!👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻❤️
Shayama · FVIP
@Shewolfiie69 thanks so much
Indianwife · 31-35, F
Shayama · FVIP
@Indianwife thanks
SW-User
this is nice <3
Shayama · FVIP
@SW-User glad you like
SKumar · 31-35, M
Shayama · FVIP
@SKumar thank you
nakedguy · 70-79, M
Please spell check. Hearse shouldn't change into hurse. Good but not terribly creative. A rather well used plot.
Shayama · FVIP
@nakedguy thank you very much for your feedback
That's pretty nice. Do you have a very active and Definitive writing style, is it based on fact or fiction?
Love it
Strangely enough I had this feeling that it was going to be the girl he picked up in the coffin. Interesting story, thanks for sharing.
FUNBOY · M
This gives me some ideas for stories!
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Shayama · FVIP

 
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