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I Want to Be a Better Person

I used to be able to pride myself on being non-judgmental. I thought that I could accept people for their faults without looking down on them. That I could be counted on to listen to another person with unbiased ears and an open mind. That was until this last month.

I had a new roommate move in a little over a month ago, and despite the fact that I haven't ever really gotten to sit down and talk to him, I already dislike him. It's not because he's wronged me or anyone else in any way, but because of his preferences. I feel like it's a common thing for people to do, to find petty and trivial things about another person to hate about them. Whether it's their clothes or their hairstyle or how they talk. It's something I've seen and overheard countless times in my life, but it's behavior that I always thought I was above. I was so sure that I held myself to a higher standard than that. Until Jim moved in.

He's not a bad guy. He doesn't deserve my disparaging thoughts about him just because he eats hot dogs and bologna sandwiches regularly. Or because he drinks Walmart brand Cola. Or because he gets high nearly every night. Or because he doesn't have a car because he lost his license. Or because he's in his late thirties and can't afford his own place. Or not even because he leaves the bathroom door closed after he uses it so neither the odor nor the humid air can escape. I've just singled out these things about him so I can feel superior to him.

But in thinking about how I feel about Jim, I've also realized how condescending I've been to the people of this site. I hold no reservations about generalizing the people of this site as parochial, indignant, shallow, myopic, impudent, and sophomoric. I am willing to blame any and all negativity that emerges from this site on the collective shortcomings of the users of this site, and not on the bad apples that are clearly worse then the average poster. And I don't like any of this about myself.

I want to be someone that can accept people regardless of their quirks, so long as they're respectful of others. Someone that can see the differences without having to find fault with them. Someone that doesn't need to generalize or make assumptions in order to understand another.

I wonder if that's possible. Like what exactly is it about people that causes them to feel that way about others? What forms stereotypes and speculation? A part of me wonders if I need to do this to justify my loneliness. That I can't see myself as being just like everyone else because I feel so isolated from everyone else. There are more than enough things about me for someone to make disparaging remarks about if they felt the need to, so why have I been doing the same to others if I wouldn't want it done unto me? Especially considering that I struggle with social anxiety. I know how crippling the thought of these judgments being cast upon me would feel, and yet I harbor the same kind of thoughts about Jim and the undefined majority of SW users.

Anyways, I don't really know how I should end this. Here's something relevant:[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRFa6e63-iY]
BlueDiver · 36-40, M
I don't understand this obsession people have nowadays with radical non-judgement. What's wrong with looking down on someone for getting high constantly, and completely failing to take responsibility for their life? Those are choices that he's made. He's responsible for those choices.

And as someone who's been on here/EP for many years, I can tell you that the level of shallow, mindless, asinine, 200-characters-or-less crap on this site has become increasingly ridiculous, to the point where you have to sift through 50 to 100 stories just to find one that has anything to say.
BlueDiver · 36-40, M
There are honestly a lot of good points in what you just said. But at the same time... it's too simple. There's a line between what's acceptable and what deserves to be harshly judged. Some people set that line too strictly, like the stereotypical southern "working man" who thinks that anyone who doesn't work with their hands and know how to fix a car isn't really a man. But I think that nowadays, people (including you, from what you're talking about in your story) are way too loose with that line - just because someone isn't murdering puppies doesn't mean that their actions aren't stupid or destructive or low in some other meaningful way.

Someone who gets high every night has a substance abuse problem (which is something that inevitably hurts more people than just them), and if that's coupled with them consistently failing to take basic responsibility for their life, which I've encountered in stoners before (though I think that a lot of the time, the weed and the irresponsibility are both symptoms of a larger problem, rather than the weed causing the irresponsibility). A parent who says to their kid "eat your McDonalds or you don't get dessert" is failing as a parent, and if way too many parents start doing that, then that represents a larger problem in society.
SW-User
@BlueDiver: But it begs the questions of who should set the line and why should the line be set there? People have had opinions since the dawn of civilization, and yet each generation has a different set of opinions than the last. We used to look down on interracial relationships, on atheism, on homosexuality, on women that wore pants, on people that objected to war, etc. The next generation is going to inevitably have different values than our own.

The line has shifted time and time again, and even to this day there are people that disagree with where it is set. There's not really an issue or topic out there that is safe from debate. Everyone is going to chime in with their 2 cents and conflicting views are unavoidable.

And you and I clearly have opinions of our own, which are divergent on this issue. What makes your opinion qualified to be the standard to which people should abide? Or mine for that matter? I don't really have answers, I just think it's hypocritical to judge others on relatively innocuous matters when I would hate for someone else to do the same to me

As far as my new roommate goes, he is able to take care of himself. He has a job, he has a place to live, and he can afford groceries. He's not being a burden to anyone. And in the hypothetical example of the parent, the occasional fast food dinner doesn't really have a long term negative impact on a person. There are obvious health issues when something like that is abused, but the limit for what is too much is still subject to debate.

Wherever there is room for interpretation, people are going to have a wide spectrum of opinions on the matter. If something could be deemed absolutely right or absolutely wrong, then there wouldn't be room for interpretation in the first place. The ultimate takeaway from all of this is that it's not my place to set the line. I shouldn't use my opinions to look down on individuals, but as a starting point to understanding them
BlueDiver · 36-40, M
Very true - figuring out where the line is is incredibly complicated. That's why most people either just set the line wherever their parents taught them to set it, without ever thinking about it for themselves, or they create a simple solution (which I think is one of the things that our species most deeply craves, no matter how skewed or destructive those simple solutions might be) - one that reduces the problem to something that they don't have to think about, like "never judge anyone."

And that's the thing - you say that it's not your place to set the line, but you *are* setting the line - you're setting it at a place of radical non-judgement, where you never judge anyone harshly for anything. All of us set the line for ourselves - it's not a choice, it's just something that we all inherently do. Something that it's impossible not to do. If you judge something harshly that doesn't deserve to be judged harshly, then that's a mistake, yes. But it's just as big of a mistake to refuse to judge something harshly that *does* deserve to be judged harshly. All that that accomplishes is to let darkness walk the world, unopposed and often unseen - which I can tell you has caused more problems and more suffering than any amount of harsh judgement. I know better than most the extent to which *any* bad action can be twisted and justified to the point of not judging it harshly, if you forsake truth and sometimes basic morality in order to do it.

And as for deciding what deserves to be judged harshly - you have to use your best judgement. And that means that you'll be wrong sometimes, and you'll be largely alone in that wrongness - which is what happens when you think for yourself. Or you can follow the trend of radical non-judgement and be wrong quite often, right along with everyone else - but you'll be patted on the back and told that you're right by the masses around you, so you must be right after all, right?
OtuLight · 26-30, M
It's possible. I know everyone has their own reason. They are the way they are. That's one thing I learn growing up. Now having a room mate like that will be hard for you. Careful not to make an enemy out of him. Best stay in positive mood as you can.

 
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