The hardest thing for me to accept as an adult was: that I am selfish. I actually didn’t realize I was selfish until I was between ages 18-22ish when I noticed how I would get mad at things not going the way I wanted. At school if you’re quiet, do your work, and get good grades the teachers praise you all the time and give you awards affirming how “good” of a person you are. So before I was 18, I really didn’t have time to think about my own mind or self, I was too distracted with school and learning.
Then I started to dig deeper as if I was excavating for gold, and I started to analyze my motives. I asked myself questions like:
1. If I got no reward, praise, or acknowledgement, would I still do what I do? Because then I don’t “love” what I do, but what I get FROM it. 2. If I had no one to impress, if no one was watching, what would I still do if there was no finished product to present to anyone? 3. I realized my five senses of sight, smell, taste, hearing, and feeling sought what pleases them, and how I ran or complained when they weren’t pleased. I would think thoughts like, “if I could breathe but feel nothing through my senses, THEN I could be unconditional and not trapped in self-preservation or the seeking out of pleasure and avoidance of pain, then I would be self-less.” 4. I was Christian at the time, now I have no label because I am no one to define myself to an authority or anyone else for that matter. But I asked myself, “Okay so if there was no heaven or hell, how would I regard God or any authority?” If I regard anyone because of the power they have, or the reward or punishment they could give me then I don’t genuinely regard them but what I can GET from them. The proof is in how I would treat the person who has no power, no reward, benefit, no protection for me... how would I treat them? And if I run at the second a person could become dangerous or inconvenient than damn it, “love” just means whatever satisfies ME but the second it doesn’t I’m OUT, or secretly wish I was out. We don’t want to put ourselves in a situation where we wouldn’t survive right? Well at least that is my case and what I realized about myself.
It was a hard realization because after I realized this in myself, then I realized that as conditional as I was (which I didn’t realize I was before) others are conditional with me as well, and everything felt fixed, shallow, mechanical. It still sorta does. And it has been nearly eight years since that realization.
What will I do now? I have an approach to how I want to color different situations, different pictures I want to paint to bring a different perspective of understanding; to hopefully make others feel more accepted and whole. Less labeled, less inadequate. I want others to feel like we are all in this mysterious ocean of life together, same desires, same fears, same questions. Let’s all just hold hands together and while we are in the boat tell stories, sing, laugh, dance, and dialogue... that is my little fantasy and ideal after a realization that changed my entire world-view.
I had that same realization myself, for me personally, It's hard in some ways, It's like I'm empty inside and wanting some type of love to come in and be the engine that drives me forward and motivates me to genuinely be a selfless person.I believe if I loved somebody, they'd motivate me to be a better person.Without somebody I currently have those feelings for, I'm selfish, I only care about my own comfort, appearing outwardly beautiful to the world and my own sense of pleasure.Inside, I'm cold and care about no one, and I think I may not be capable of that.I hate to acknowledge it but right now, I only want to use people to meet my own ends.I don't want anyone hurt but I want nothing to do with most people otherwise.
