I Am Feeling Numb

I am actually feeling a lot of things but at the same time, nothing. I just found out that, there person I have loved for 5 years, 5 f**king years, hasn't felt the same. Didn't in the beginning and who knows if he does now.. 5 years, I have given EVERYTHING to him... my everything. All of these lies.. you lied to not hurt me... and when I was going to find out? Imagine how I feel now, how depressed and everything. I don't know what to feel- anger, pain, sadness. I want to cry and blame you, but it's all on me... I should have known... after all of the crap that has happened, it wouldn't happen between 2 people of they loved each other. You wouldn't have done it if you had really loved me... I should have known, should have felt it, guess love really does make you blind and to the complete obvious. So stupid. I don't know what to feel, right now, just so much pain and confusion, I don't know what to do. I wanna hurt myself, feel that pain I used to feel, see if it helps in any way like it used to, but for what? To start something I tried so hard to stop? I wanna drink to not feel it but once again, for what? Just wanna go somewhere to yell and cry and sleep and not think about it, it's late and I could leave but where would I go? It's all just so much pain and confusion yet at the same time- nothingness, numbness... I didn't know where else to put this and what to do with these thoughts, there are just so many of them I have a headache. I wanna quit, just quit everything. I don't wanna be here anymore...