I Am a Sadist
Your reaction doesn't seem strange to you because it's something a lot of others do. When you're the only one who isn't moved by a picture, you learn to imitate what people say, what expression they take on, and then you learn how to modify it just a little, so they know you aren't faking.
It's not hard, and you don't have to think much about it. But you know if you showed how you actually felt on the inside, you wouldn't be accepted.
When you're a sadist, you don't have to be cruel or unapologetic. I've been like this for as long as I can remember, but I've never assaulted anyone, and I know I never will.
Did I want to, yes. Many times. Even if I didn't physically hurt someone, I once hurt someone emotionally, on purpose. He was my best friend. Do I feel guilty, no. Do I regret it, very much. It felt good, but he didn't deserve it. I regret it every time I think of him. I was younger and stupider. It was my biggest mistake. I know I shouldn't be forgiven for it. I will never do that to someone again, ever.
So I guess I can be considered cruel. But I am not unapologetic, I am always apologetic. I would give anything to stop feeling like this whenever I see something normal people would feel disgusted or horrified over, because it makes me feel more alone than I already do. And I feel very, very alone.
Close friends know I'm a sexual sadist, but I'm guessing they're only okay with it because they don't know my sadism extends beyond sexual and consensual situations. How would they feel if they knew I would be someone who would crush cutely named bugs with glee, or flip all the electric shock switches because I wanted to? Probably not good. I wouldn't feel good, either.
I'm getting professional help for this. I'm just practicing for the day that I'll have to inevitably admit all of this out loud, and face what I did and what I am.
It's not hard, and you don't have to think much about it. But you know if you showed how you actually felt on the inside, you wouldn't be accepted.
When you're a sadist, you don't have to be cruel or unapologetic. I've been like this for as long as I can remember, but I've never assaulted anyone, and I know I never will.
Did I want to, yes. Many times. Even if I didn't physically hurt someone, I once hurt someone emotionally, on purpose. He was my best friend. Do I feel guilty, no. Do I regret it, very much. It felt good, but he didn't deserve it. I regret it every time I think of him. I was younger and stupider. It was my biggest mistake. I know I shouldn't be forgiven for it. I will never do that to someone again, ever.
So I guess I can be considered cruel. But I am not unapologetic, I am always apologetic. I would give anything to stop feeling like this whenever I see something normal people would feel disgusted or horrified over, because it makes me feel more alone than I already do. And I feel very, very alone.
Close friends know I'm a sexual sadist, but I'm guessing they're only okay with it because they don't know my sadism extends beyond sexual and consensual situations. How would they feel if they knew I would be someone who would crush cutely named bugs with glee, or flip all the electric shock switches because I wanted to? Probably not good. I wouldn't feel good, either.
I'm getting professional help for this. I'm just practicing for the day that I'll have to inevitably admit all of this out loud, and face what I did and what I am.
