I Always Feel Like I Bother People
As much as i would like to talk about my problems I feel like I actually am what I was accused of. Am I really as sensetive as I think I am or am I just as obsessive as they claim I am.
Im my head everytime I feel down and I wish to talk about it I feel like I annoy people because I can't get over it. I know I can but I have my moments where I feel so depressed about it.
I used to have a friend who I can tell anything too and who I went to see movies with. Now that he's not here it means there is an emptiness, I haven't been able to give this a proper place because I am walking on shells around that person who is rightfully angry at me but who's not fully right to blame me for all that went wrong in his life. But I havebeen accused of that and I am being treated like that.
While I do my best to apologise. I turned myself into a guilty and weak person. Just to make it right but I realise that I might be just as much upset about this.
He may want to live with the idea that our friendship was fiction but it's so far from the truth. I was competing with a fictional person who he like more then me. While I was the person that had to drag him out of trouble, to work and make sure everything remained running. I was left dealing everything on my own.
I don;t want to live like this anymore and I don't want to have these voices in my head telling me that I am a big creepy stalker person. My flaw is that I keep holding on to the fact that he wants contact but the truth is that hedoes not want it right now. So the best thing I can do is just remove his number from my phone and try to focus on something else. It's hard, because something is feeling terribly wrong it's not the fact that I still feel guilty I think i very much accepted what I did. I have also accepted that I will never see him in person again. But its dealing with what basically is a flashback to bullying which hurts me so much and it prevents me from talking to people. But biggest of all, I miss a friend.
And is 3 weeks enough to get over a person that you have build a close friendship with for over 10 years?
it may not make sense to anyone who reads this but its a whole lot of build up frustration which is difficult for anyone to listen too so for me its better to just write it all down as it is build up in my head.
Im my head everytime I feel down and I wish to talk about it I feel like I annoy people because I can't get over it. I know I can but I have my moments where I feel so depressed about it.
I used to have a friend who I can tell anything too and who I went to see movies with. Now that he's not here it means there is an emptiness, I haven't been able to give this a proper place because I am walking on shells around that person who is rightfully angry at me but who's not fully right to blame me for all that went wrong in his life. But I havebeen accused of that and I am being treated like that.
While I do my best to apologise. I turned myself into a guilty and weak person. Just to make it right but I realise that I might be just as much upset about this.
He may want to live with the idea that our friendship was fiction but it's so far from the truth. I was competing with a fictional person who he like more then me. While I was the person that had to drag him out of trouble, to work and make sure everything remained running. I was left dealing everything on my own.
I don;t want to live like this anymore and I don't want to have these voices in my head telling me that I am a big creepy stalker person. My flaw is that I keep holding on to the fact that he wants contact but the truth is that hedoes not want it right now. So the best thing I can do is just remove his number from my phone and try to focus on something else. It's hard, because something is feeling terribly wrong it's not the fact that I still feel guilty I think i very much accepted what I did. I have also accepted that I will never see him in person again. But its dealing with what basically is a flashback to bullying which hurts me so much and it prevents me from talking to people. But biggest of all, I miss a friend.
And is 3 weeks enough to get over a person that you have build a close friendship with for over 10 years?
it may not make sense to anyone who reads this but its a whole lot of build up frustration which is difficult for anyone to listen too so for me its better to just write it all down as it is build up in my head.
41-45, M
