I Need to Talk

I am in a very similar spot in life. My insecurities are taking over my mind as well as body, I try to challenge them but they keep winning over me. I can't seem to study and I am now way behind in classes of the last year in school. I even have some work to do that should've been finished last term, but I can't seem to do them. I sometimes think about medication as well, sometimes death, sometimes seeing someone that could talk to me, but I always come to the conclusion that I have to do this on my own. My teacher asked me last week why I was absent from class at times, she probably felt that something was wrong. I explained to her how it's due to me sometimes feeling ill, and sometimes not feeling... "very good", she got the hint. Sigh. My parents do not understand it either, they think that no matter how bad one feels, they must do what they're told to do. and if everyone else can do something, why shouldn't I be able to do the same thing? Am I special? Am I that weak? They say "well then you might as well just lay down and die", in the beginning I tried to defend myself, but now I've started to accept it and answer them "Yeah... probably... maybe I'm just not fit to survive in a world like this. I don't feel like I belong here, so it would only be reasonable to say that I did not fit in here either." Also if there is something I've learned from this long and painful experience, then that is that word combinations such as "blown out of proportion", "being dramatic" and "your problems are nothing compared to other people's problems" are complete lies. Your perspective is not ruled by others perspective, just because someone else is suffering something objectively worse than you, does not mean that you don't feel equally as bad. Comparing problems and competing within misery doesn't work. accepting your own grief for what it is and not for what other people think it is, that's what works... I mean... Just saying.. 😓