The year my husband died, I accepted a friend's invitation to spend Christmas eve with her family. Driving to their home, I started melting down as I thought about previous Christmases and how my husband was always with me. I was in that place of just wanting him so desperately to come back. I was teary eyed, melancholic, thinking how much I missed him and how alone I felt.
When I arrived, I saw several cars and realized that there was probably more of her family inside than I was comfortable with, especially in my current sad state. I knocked on the door and got no answer. I could hear happy, festive people inside and I almost bolted, but I thought of my friend. I rang the bell and her dad came to the door and greeted me as I was trying to dry my tears and looked human somehow. The mom greeted me, then my friend and her husband. I was instantly on the verge of tears again, feeling the pain of a missing husband. I looked around and saw some of her extended family whom I really didn't know and I told her that I was going to leave and come back later in the week. Her mom, of course being a mom person, did not accept this, and pushed me to stay. My friend ended up taking me to her bedroom where she tried to comfort me, etc. We chatted for a little bit and I told her that I would really be more comfortable coming back later in the week. I was amazed by her compassion and understanding. She told me to do what I needed to do and not to worry about her mom. We exchanged hugs and "I love you"s and I headed out of their house with her mom still trying to get me to stay. I left, heavy hearted and dejected, crying all the way home.
Back home, I needed something to numb the pain. I popped open a bottle of cherry and "Merry Christmas to me."
The problem with Christmas is that you not only have to endure one day of widow misery. I know I face it again this year, 'tho the intensity has become less and less through the years.
This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »
Grief takes years to wiggle through. Sometimes it's best experienced alone.
Grief isn't the same as sadness. It's not something that one can be cheered out of. Grief is about love and its hold that it still has on us. It's an emotion we have to find an accommodation for.
