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I Don't Deserve Life

I've heard multiple times during my life from my mother saying that I was on life support for 3 days when I was born, and for some reason only until now, this day, this night, as I was laying in the bathtub, I realized that I should've been a dead baby. I never thought of it before, or gave it much weight or importance until now, because of the thought that if I was born 100 years ago, when medicine wasn't as advanced as now, I would've literally died at birth.
I don't deserve this life, it was a gift ...a gift I don't know how to accept.
I'm having an internal crisis right now, because I don't know how should I live my life with this realization. I shouldn't be here, I should be dead. Part of all these people's lives...but I shouldn't exist now. You shouldn't know me. You shouldn't be able to see or read this.

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Keraunos · 36-40, M

Bit melodramatic, man. Join the club, lots of us would have died in infancy in the absence of modern medicine. Should have thought ahead and got born earlier if you were so sure you were meant to die that young.

ineedadrink · 51-55, M

@Keraunos You're harshing his existentialism, but I agree with you.

Dan193 · 31-35, M

@Keraunos I just used think I had a purpose, born for great things, but now I realize that I was born to die in a matter of hours. No purpose, no nothing.

Keraunos · 36-40, M

@Dan193 I say call it a win, then. If you've still got the "born for great things" self-identifier data floating around in your brain this late, it's time for that bubble to pop. Of course, it's one thing to [i]feel[/i] like you cosmically matter that much compared to others, but it's quite another to actually [i]think so[/i] in literal, matter-of-fact terms. If something minor like this can destroy that illusion, that's clearly all it ever was.

Dan193 · 31-35, M

@Keraunos Thank you. As @ineedadrink said, a bit harsh, but it's a well formulated slap to reality. Though I'm still thinking about it, about how am I going to incorporate this knowledge into my life moving forward, but the drive is still there.

Keraunos · 36-40, M

@Dan193 Nihilism's not the only option. You're probably not [i]really[/i] struggling with lack of a purpose, so much as the realization that it's quite unlikely there's something "out there" that gave it to you and plans to help you achieve it. All the options after that generally fall into either doing the "great things" you think you should anyway while acknowledging it's going to be a thousand times harder than you'd convinced yourself; or not doing those "great things", but with the consolation that if you do opt out of the mission, nothing else cares if you don't.

Dan193 · 31-35, M

@Keraunos Or 3rd option, it's not my life anymore. I got the gift of continuing this life, but in return I need to give something really selfless. I don't know exactly what, but maybe for starters investing myself into life support for new born babies or helping to advance medicine, I think that's something I could contribute and give back. Peobably won't be enough, but that's a good beginning I believe.

Keraunos · 36-40, M

@Dan193 I would say that falls under the first category, but I guess I don't know how it looks compared to the original "great things" you had in mind.

Dan193 · 31-35, M

I need to sleep on it. 🤠 But thank you.

CarleighJ · 36-40, F

@Dan193 "I just used think I had a purpose, born for great things, but now I realize that I was born to die in a matter of hours. No purpose, no nothing."

You were born in an era when the possibility of life was provided. There was no 100% chance you would survive with or without life support as a newborn. You lived because you were strong enough to survive being pulled off life support.

Everyone alive is guaranteed two things, to be born and to die. Being born doesn't guarantee you life just like being alive doesn't guarantee you life either. The only notiable difference is how long we have to find our purpose and live all varies.

Dan193 · 31-35, M

@CarleighJ Did you find your purpose?

CarleighJ · 36-40, F

@Dan193 yes. Mine is to help and inspire others that are in similar situations I am in healthy wise.

Dan193 · 31-35, M

@CarleighJ It is inspiring.