I Dread the Holidays

We're entering the most dreaded time of the year for me, the period from just before Christmas Day to shortly after the first of the year. Although my childhood has very few memories worth keeping this holiday has always haunted me, I suppose because of the striking difference of how joyous it's meant to be and how extremely horrendous it was for me. The best it ever got was it wasn't worse than in previous years.
I don't doubt it's why I never wanted to have children and why I'm still hateful of the way I look and feel about myself.

Anyway -- in an ongoing attempt to achieve a sort of balance I have, over the course of the past years, done something to try to make someone's Christmas good. Usually it's in the form of taking a name from an "Angel Tree" where a child asks "Santa" for a toy. Obviously I don't know the child's last name and my name isn't revealed. This year I took four names. It was good to keep busy looking for these toys and delivering them to the charity. I don't do for publicity; indeed I don't want anyone here to give me "thanks" or any accolades. That's not why I did it. I'm only posting this because SW provides this kind of outlet.

I only hope those presents give a reason to smile come Christmas Day.

Odd but as I'm finishing this post I have a sinking feeling inside. Actually it's not odd. I know exactly why I'm feeling this way. I've been feeling this way since just after Halloween, dreading the upcoming holidays.
I feel so indescribably awful about myself right now.

Thanks for reading. I'm sorry I took up your time.