I Dread the Holidays
"Get over it."
This is the worst time of the year for me emotionally speaking. My father's voice would somehow increase in volume while his language would get more abusive than usual. The holiday terror would start just before Thanksgiving (but would increase significantly just before Christmas Day) and dissipate sometime in the first week of the new year. It wasn't everyday either - he'd go two to even three days without but then the floodgates would fly open, sometimes on a week night, sometimes the weekend, sometimes a week day. Even now, many years after his death, the sights and sounds are as vivid as if everything happened last night.
"Get over it" I tell myself as have the therapists. However as many of you know it's simply not that easy. This isn't nice of me to say but I still hate him.
"Time heals all wounds" is another phrase that comes to mind. This one is true to an extent. Slowly I've been able to listen to a few Christmas songs though there are still quite a few I can't. Maybe one day - I might be 125 years old hahaha - but not now. But I can enjoy seeing children's eyes twinkle when seeing Santa or Christmas tree lights. I even enjoy seeing the lights for a short while.
In a effort to achieve a sort of balance, for the past few years I've taken a couple of names from an "angel tree" - I don't know the child's name and obviously they don't know mine. Last year I took four names and this time I added one. The requests were easily filled: shoes, a doll, and several toys. I only hope it'll bring a little light in their eyes and day to get these items. Maybe they'll smile. That would be nice.
This is the worst time of the year for me emotionally speaking. My father's voice would somehow increase in volume while his language would get more abusive than usual. The holiday terror would start just before Thanksgiving (but would increase significantly just before Christmas Day) and dissipate sometime in the first week of the new year. It wasn't everyday either - he'd go two to even three days without but then the floodgates would fly open, sometimes on a week night, sometimes the weekend, sometimes a week day. Even now, many years after his death, the sights and sounds are as vivid as if everything happened last night.
"Get over it" I tell myself as have the therapists. However as many of you know it's simply not that easy. This isn't nice of me to say but I still hate him.
"Time heals all wounds" is another phrase that comes to mind. This one is true to an extent. Slowly I've been able to listen to a few Christmas songs though there are still quite a few I can't. Maybe one day - I might be 125 years old hahaha - but not now. But I can enjoy seeing children's eyes twinkle when seeing Santa or Christmas tree lights. I even enjoy seeing the lights for a short while.
In a effort to achieve a sort of balance, for the past few years I've taken a couple of names from an "angel tree" - I don't know the child's name and obviously they don't know mine. Last year I took four names and this time I added one. The requests were easily filled: shoes, a doll, and several toys. I only hope it'll bring a little light in their eyes and day to get these items. Maybe they'll smile. That would be nice.
