I Have Depersonalization Disorder
My Story.......
i had a really bad childhood. for me personally i find it hard to deal with and i am not peapred to write it down just yet out in the open. but i believe that my bad childhood, is the root of my problem.
it started when i was 13. one night after watching a movie. i fetl suddenly...like everything changed instantly. my sensations...it felt like i was there, i saw the cloth, i could feel the cloth, but yet i didn't. i never felt there, i never felt like i was standing in that room. i looked into the mirror and i didn't see myself. i was freaked out. i was so sacred i was going crazy. i was home all alone. i felt like everything was going out, like i was somewhere else, in between something. the thoughts running through my head feel hollow, too apprant, i questioned all of my thoughts, and i wondered how i should feel. my feelings they..it felt like..weird...i was feeling in a way nothing but i was feeling something too...i felt that something was wrong, that there was something i couldn't quite catch onto......but it was there in my mind......
of course it stuck with me, it never went away but settled down in some ways. i felt emotionally dead. i lost the joy of livnig, i felt a million miles away. i felt like i was off in some place i didn't know.....
i knew someting was wrong but i didn't know what it was. i grappled with it. trying to find out.........
a year later i found out about psychopaths and sociopaths. i found i had simliarties in some ways to them but in others not....but...it had answers for me. and believeing that i was one of them, it felt well good to finally know what i was....it was my way of coping with it, by believeing i was a sociopath. i dont know why. maybe the idea that i couldn't be cured, that i wasn't insane just wired diffreantly......
then i found out about this: Depersonlization disorder.
it blew my mind away....by the time i had found it i was soo deeply rooted into my belief. i had every symptom, the expreinces that the ppl felt who had it, i had the exatct same......my mind couldn't take it in some ways. i dont know why......but it stubbornly refused to admit it. and i felt such anxiety at what i learned that i just couldn't do it.
so i refused to believe it....
then at 16, my current age.
i came here to EP. i told most of my friends that i was a sociopath. but i'm no liar. it had being a while since i read it and i had dropped it from my mind.
but a few days ago. i was talking to someone and i told them how i felt.....and the word just come out
Depersonalization disoder...
i felt all of my anxiety from when i first read it. expect this time..i couldn't hide from it anymore. now. i have broken the illussion i have had for a while.
i have Depersonazliton disorder. i can't even remember what it felt like to be normal anymore. i wish i could but in a way....this has almost become normal to me. but i dont want it. i want to feel like i'm really there......
i can get really bad attacks where i just lose all sense of realiety, i dont feel there, for me its as close to death as i can get. i feel numb, yet strange, a feeling deep down in my stomach..i avoid ppl whenever i can, espailly ones i dont know, or am not close to. they make me feel strange and being in a store, wating in line...i feel such anxiety.....
is there anyone who has had this who has any tips for me? on how to cope with it or how to "cure" it...i'd greatly appricete it
thanks for hearing my rant.
i had a really bad childhood. for me personally i find it hard to deal with and i am not peapred to write it down just yet out in the open. but i believe that my bad childhood, is the root of my problem.
it started when i was 13. one night after watching a movie. i fetl suddenly...like everything changed instantly. my sensations...it felt like i was there, i saw the cloth, i could feel the cloth, but yet i didn't. i never felt there, i never felt like i was standing in that room. i looked into the mirror and i didn't see myself. i was freaked out. i was so sacred i was going crazy. i was home all alone. i felt like everything was going out, like i was somewhere else, in between something. the thoughts running through my head feel hollow, too apprant, i questioned all of my thoughts, and i wondered how i should feel. my feelings they..it felt like..weird...i was feeling in a way nothing but i was feeling something too...i felt that something was wrong, that there was something i couldn't quite catch onto......but it was there in my mind......
of course it stuck with me, it never went away but settled down in some ways. i felt emotionally dead. i lost the joy of livnig, i felt a million miles away. i felt like i was off in some place i didn't know.....
i knew someting was wrong but i didn't know what it was. i grappled with it. trying to find out.........
a year later i found out about psychopaths and sociopaths. i found i had simliarties in some ways to them but in others not....but...it had answers for me. and believeing that i was one of them, it felt well good to finally know what i was....it was my way of coping with it, by believeing i was a sociopath. i dont know why. maybe the idea that i couldn't be cured, that i wasn't insane just wired diffreantly......
then i found out about this: Depersonlization disorder.
it blew my mind away....by the time i had found it i was soo deeply rooted into my belief. i had every symptom, the expreinces that the ppl felt who had it, i had the exatct same......my mind couldn't take it in some ways. i dont know why......but it stubbornly refused to admit it. and i felt such anxiety at what i learned that i just couldn't do it.
so i refused to believe it....
then at 16, my current age.
i came here to EP. i told most of my friends that i was a sociopath. but i'm no liar. it had being a while since i read it and i had dropped it from my mind.
but a few days ago. i was talking to someone and i told them how i felt.....and the word just come out
Depersonalization disoder...
i felt all of my anxiety from when i first read it. expect this time..i couldn't hide from it anymore. now. i have broken the illussion i have had for a while.
i have Depersonazliton disorder. i can't even remember what it felt like to be normal anymore. i wish i could but in a way....this has almost become normal to me. but i dont want it. i want to feel like i'm really there......
i can get really bad attacks where i just lose all sense of realiety, i dont feel there, for me its as close to death as i can get. i feel numb, yet strange, a feeling deep down in my stomach..i avoid ppl whenever i can, espailly ones i dont know, or am not close to. they make me feel strange and being in a store, wating in line...i feel such anxiety.....
is there anyone who has had this who has any tips for me? on how to cope with it or how to "cure" it...i'd greatly appricete it
thanks for hearing my rant.
26-30, M
