No more small shoes [I Would Rather Be Alone Than Be With the Wrong Person]
This morning my stomach was in my throat. Such a sucky feeling, because I'm used to dealing with this at night... now it's a part of my mornings too? I thought I was over the hump, done with these heavy emotions, but here they are. Creeping up on me like high-tide to an unsuspecting sunbather on the beach. Haha, bad analogy, but that's the only way I can think to describe it. It comes in waves.
This reminded me of the stages of grief. I pulled out my phone and looked through them again. I went through denial when I initially found out. I was shocked, confused, and even wanted to avoid the inevitable, by telling him that if he got therapy and was able to 100% tell me the truth about what happened, we could get back together. I was avoiding the truth, that he had killed whatever was left of our muddled relationship, and I was avoiding that it would have to end.
Then the anger came, as I packed my bags the next day. Luckily I had a large support network and I had many places I could go until I found where I wanted to permanently settle. I was angry at him for the lies, the deceit, and angry because I felt like a fool for having given up many enticing experiences, and people that I could've been with (old and new flames still reached out to me throughout our relationship) but I turned them all down because I wanted us to work. So it hurt that much more to see all of the people that he had been going out of his way to message to create something with them, while I had been turning people away... and it was excruciatingly hard to do so, because he was actually lousy in bed, but I loved him, and even though I had not been sexually satisfied for like a year (even after being vocal and telling him what I liked... even literally showing him what I liked) he failed at trying to please me in that way.
Then I returned to friends and family, and even here for the bargaining stage. After reading, I guess that means it's when you reach out to others to tell your story and struggle to find meaning and make sense of it all. This processing has really helped. In reading back on my similar worlds posts I can see that I haven't been happy with this relationship for a long time. Since at least February of this year. I would describe this relationship as looking for a specific type of shoe at the store, but they have one that's very similar, but not exactly what you were looking for, and it's also slightly too small, but it's an amazing price, and you think, "Well, maybe if I break it in a little. It should fit over time." or "It's not the shoe I wanted, but it's so close... what if I never find the shoe that I actually want? What if they're all sold out? Should I pass up this close style?" ... and then I bought the shoes, and learned to live with the pain of aching toes.
Now. This morning. I am obviously in the depression phase. I don't want to get out of bed (even though I know moving on and away from him was for the better). I lack a vision of what my new life looks like and reshaping something that you had previous expectations for can be a sad experience sometimes.
But every day I'm moving closer and closer to the acceptance phase by putting myself out there and reaching out to people old and new. Applying to new jobs, and making financial plans for my future, figuring out where I want to be, exercising again... just practicing self-care to build myself up and feel positive again. The acceptance will come. I know it.
I just have to remember, no more small shoes.
This reminded me of the stages of grief. I pulled out my phone and looked through them again. I went through denial when I initially found out. I was shocked, confused, and even wanted to avoid the inevitable, by telling him that if he got therapy and was able to 100% tell me the truth about what happened, we could get back together. I was avoiding the truth, that he had killed whatever was left of our muddled relationship, and I was avoiding that it would have to end.
Then the anger came, as I packed my bags the next day. Luckily I had a large support network and I had many places I could go until I found where I wanted to permanently settle. I was angry at him for the lies, the deceit, and angry because I felt like a fool for having given up many enticing experiences, and people that I could've been with (old and new flames still reached out to me throughout our relationship) but I turned them all down because I wanted us to work. So it hurt that much more to see all of the people that he had been going out of his way to message to create something with them, while I had been turning people away... and it was excruciatingly hard to do so, because he was actually lousy in bed, but I loved him, and even though I had not been sexually satisfied for like a year (even after being vocal and telling him what I liked... even literally showing him what I liked) he failed at trying to please me in that way.
Then I returned to friends and family, and even here for the bargaining stage. After reading, I guess that means it's when you reach out to others to tell your story and struggle to find meaning and make sense of it all. This processing has really helped. In reading back on my similar worlds posts I can see that I haven't been happy with this relationship for a long time. Since at least February of this year. I would describe this relationship as looking for a specific type of shoe at the store, but they have one that's very similar, but not exactly what you were looking for, and it's also slightly too small, but it's an amazing price, and you think, "Well, maybe if I break it in a little. It should fit over time." or "It's not the shoe I wanted, but it's so close... what if I never find the shoe that I actually want? What if they're all sold out? Should I pass up this close style?" ... and then I bought the shoes, and learned to live with the pain of aching toes.
Now. This morning. I am obviously in the depression phase. I don't want to get out of bed (even though I know moving on and away from him was for the better). I lack a vision of what my new life looks like and reshaping something that you had previous expectations for can be a sad experience sometimes.
But every day I'm moving closer and closer to the acceptance phase by putting myself out there and reaching out to people old and new. Applying to new jobs, and making financial plans for my future, figuring out where I want to be, exercising again... just practicing self-care to build myself up and feel positive again. The acceptance will come. I know it.
I just have to remember, no more small shoes.
31-35, F
