I Am In Trouble
Lately I've been considering going back to the mental hospital. Since I left there many years ago, I've missed it often. It felt natural being there, like it was my home. When I left, I couldn't see myself come back. I had learned all I needed to learn, every therapy was repetitive, every story sounded the same. But the difference now is that I have seemingly developed new problems, instead of simply relapsing.
I've been getting panic attacks. That I have cancer, that I'm going to die, that I'm hopelessly alone and always will be, that I'm trapped and will never escape. They are especially scary because even in my darkest days I didn't get them, and are seemingly resistant to all my usual methods of calming myself down. The only thing that worked really was the thought I could always go back to the hospital.
And then there's a second problem, a big one. You see, I've never really been too fond of the human race. I'm not a social person, but can't help but wonder if the only reason for that is that I just don't have people I like to be social with. I disagree with everyone, about everything, all the time. This is not news. Lately however, I've found that my dislike is gradually turning into full-on hatred.
I am angry. Seeing injustice everywhere is nothing new for me, nor is dealing with stupidity. What is new, is that my patience is seemingly running out. Like the outside toxicity has slowly been creeping into my brain and my defenses are finally losing ground. I'm on the path of becoming a complete misanthrope. It is needless to say that this will not contribute to me getting closer to other people.
So what should I do? What sign is troubling enough that I just give up trying to 'fix' things by myself? I know that I can't go back if I'm not 100% convinced I need to. But I wonder, if I stay like this too long maybe some permanent damage will be done. I don't want to hate. I want to be kind, compassionate, understanding, like I've tried to be. I've always been a wanderer, but maybe now I'm lost.
I've been getting panic attacks. That I have cancer, that I'm going to die, that I'm hopelessly alone and always will be, that I'm trapped and will never escape. They are especially scary because even in my darkest days I didn't get them, and are seemingly resistant to all my usual methods of calming myself down. The only thing that worked really was the thought I could always go back to the hospital.
And then there's a second problem, a big one. You see, I've never really been too fond of the human race. I'm not a social person, but can't help but wonder if the only reason for that is that I just don't have people I like to be social with. I disagree with everyone, about everything, all the time. This is not news. Lately however, I've found that my dislike is gradually turning into full-on hatred.
I am angry. Seeing injustice everywhere is nothing new for me, nor is dealing with stupidity. What is new, is that my patience is seemingly running out. Like the outside toxicity has slowly been creeping into my brain and my defenses are finally losing ground. I'm on the path of becoming a complete misanthrope. It is needless to say that this will not contribute to me getting closer to other people.
So what should I do? What sign is troubling enough that I just give up trying to 'fix' things by myself? I know that I can't go back if I'm not 100% convinced I need to. But I wonder, if I stay like this too long maybe some permanent damage will be done. I don't want to hate. I want to be kind, compassionate, understanding, like I've tried to be. I've always been a wanderer, but maybe now I'm lost.
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