I Wrote a Novel
Chapter 1
As was customary during this period of her life, Maya arrived for work at the clinic at exactly 08:25 a.m. She was never late for anything as she herself could not stand being kept waiting. Arriving at this time meant that she had a good choice of parking spaces. She reversed into her preferred spot and turned off her car engine. The pale and petite young woman looked down at what had become a neatly rounded bump poking from her loose floral blouse, feeling a nervous flutter as she did. Her eyes then darted to the early whisperings of Spring calling out to her from her favourite group of Silver Birch trees in the field which overlooked the car park. Tiny green egg shaped buds were appearing at the end of thin branches promising a future of thick green vitality, which would awaken the senses as the barrenness of a cold winter began to unveil the warm secrets of Spring.
For the first time since her twelve week scan, Maya allowed herself to feel a tiny bit excited. She managed to put aside her husband Stephen’s concerns and imagine the new life growing inside of her and all that it could mean. She would be going for her anomaly scan later that day. She had not told anyone in work the news yet so was pleased that her appointment was a few weeks earlier than expected. She hated lying and felt relieved that today would be the last ‘dental appointment’ that she would have to pretend to attend. After all, her colleagues would be beginning to think she had poor dental hygiene, and that just would not fit with her preferred image of a highly efficient and conscientious swan who glided confidently through the clinic each day. Work was the one place since leaving school, where Maya prided herself on her reputation. She was good at her job, she was a good colleague and a highly respected and valued member of the team . Caring and empathetic. Someone who listened well. Well these things are after all very important attributes for a Psychologist. Lying and poor dental hygiene on the other hand, were not traits which Maya felt at all comfortable with.
The assessment and support centre for young people suffering with and recovering from eating disorders was not yet open to its patients and their families for the day. Helen, the receptionist was settling down with her black coffee and computer screen; Maya greeted her, asking her about her weekend and obtaining the latest update about her son’s roller coaster romance. Helen liked Maya, from the first day she met her she just felt like she was such a genuine young woman, who was never too busy to take the time to have a chat. Helen had always thought that when you talked to Maya, you felt that you had really been heard, and feeling like you have been heard, well it made for a better day. She could not really explain why, but it just did.
Marge, the Consultant Psychiatrist and Team Leader at the office breezed through the door quickly greeting Maya and Helen, whilst munching on a piece of toast and muttering something about getting the files she needed. Helen liked Marge too, she just felt sorry for her, because she seemed so busy and stressed. She thought that a Consultant Psychiatrist really should take better care of her mental health.
It was the unwritten office rule that everyone should take time to stop at lunchtime. Maya noticed how the day had passed quicker than usual, as she struggled with her crumpets at midday. Her appetite was not something that was usually affected one way or another by her emotions. Working in a clinic offering support for eating disorders, a person’s relationship with food was something which she was trained to notice. She assessed it to be nerves/excitement as she swallowed a lump of crumpet and seemed acutely aware of its journey down her oesophagus.
Maya surprised herself at how convincing she was whilst Helen told her the problems her husband had experienced with his own teeth and about how the anaesthetic for his root canal filling had made him drowsy for the rest of the day. She nearly choked on the next bite of her crumpet, when Lucy, the Trainee Psychologist commented that her sister had never had any problems with her teeth until she had become pregnant. She lost a tooth with each of her two children. Maya thought that this was probably not true but, despite how much she liked her white toothy smile, she knew she would give every inch of the smile so many were fond of, for that little life growing inside of her. The life that she never thought could grow. Her baby.
It was 2.30 p.m and time for Maya to head for her last ‘dental’ appointment. She looked at the busy car park and felt pleased with herself for reversing into her parking space earlier that day. Driving forward is so much easier, she chuckled to herself with an imaginary pat on the back. Indulging herself in the excitement, Maya found her old disco album and decided to play it in the car as she drove to the hospital for her not quite twenty week scan. She thought ‘Love to Love you Baby’ was actually quite fitting and smiled as she sang to her baby. She had heard it was good for bonding. Maya felt happy and being a Psychologist, who despite any onlookers’ perceptions, had not particularly spent much of her life acquainted with the feeling called happiness; she took a moment to recognise that feeling and store it in her memory for future use.
She had managed not to think about her husband's absence for the whole journey. He crept into her thoughts in the quietness of the waiting room, as she sat wriggling in pain at the fullness of her bladder and noticing the untidiness of the leaflets hanging from the shelf on the wall. She felt an urge to neaten them, because she knew that that was what Stephen would be doing if he were there. He would be pacing up and down, looking at his watch three times and tapping his foot each time he did. Maya reassured herself. There was no way he could have got out of the seminar in Germany. The current economic climate meant that it was a difficult time for insurance brokers. Him not being there had nothing to do with the fact that he was not happy about the pregnancy and did not think that Maya was emotionally well enough to cope with a baby. Maya suddenly noticed that she was the only expectant mother in the waiting room without a partner present.
‘Maya Alexander?’ She was relieved to hear her name finally being called. She loved her baby, that was for sure, but the feeling of a bursting bladder was something which she certainly did not love. The nurse recognised the familiar squirming grimace, and reassured her. ‘Don’t worry love, not long and you will be able to relieve yourself!’
The room was softly lit, and Maya, who had an excellent memory, already knew the routine. She took her shoes off and lifted herself up onto the bed, lowering her skirt and briefs to just below her hips, she prepared herself for the cold jelly. The sonographer explained that she would turn the screen away whilst she checked a few things and then would turn it around to show Maya. A little bit of small talk ensued with the nurse...didn’t it make the world feel like a better place at the start of Spring?... A bit of sunshine is good for the soul... Maya began to drift from the conversation and her natural state of being responsive and keen to please as she became aware that the sonographer had seemed to be searching for something; up, down, around, back, forth, for quite a while.
She noticed the nurse look at the sonographer. She imagined the look of the sonographer, whose face she could not see. Her heart began to sink and she heard ‘I just need to call someone else in to have a little check Maya’.
Again: up, down, around, back, forth. Maya felt her heart sink further, she felt her breath stop still, a deep pressure upon her chest. As though her heart was no longer beating. She waited.
Waited to hear that everything was okay.
‘I am so sorry Maya. There is no heartbeat. I am sorry to tell you, your baby has died.’
As was customary during this period of her life, Maya arrived for work at the clinic at exactly 08:25 a.m. She was never late for anything as she herself could not stand being kept waiting. Arriving at this time meant that she had a good choice of parking spaces. She reversed into her preferred spot and turned off her car engine. The pale and petite young woman looked down at what had become a neatly rounded bump poking from her loose floral blouse, feeling a nervous flutter as she did. Her eyes then darted to the early whisperings of Spring calling out to her from her favourite group of Silver Birch trees in the field which overlooked the car park. Tiny green egg shaped buds were appearing at the end of thin branches promising a future of thick green vitality, which would awaken the senses as the barrenness of a cold winter began to unveil the warm secrets of Spring.
For the first time since her twelve week scan, Maya allowed herself to feel a tiny bit excited. She managed to put aside her husband Stephen’s concerns and imagine the new life growing inside of her and all that it could mean. She would be going for her anomaly scan later that day. She had not told anyone in work the news yet so was pleased that her appointment was a few weeks earlier than expected. She hated lying and felt relieved that today would be the last ‘dental appointment’ that she would have to pretend to attend. After all, her colleagues would be beginning to think she had poor dental hygiene, and that just would not fit with her preferred image of a highly efficient and conscientious swan who glided confidently through the clinic each day. Work was the one place since leaving school, where Maya prided herself on her reputation. She was good at her job, she was a good colleague and a highly respected and valued member of the team . Caring and empathetic. Someone who listened well. Well these things are after all very important attributes for a Psychologist. Lying and poor dental hygiene on the other hand, were not traits which Maya felt at all comfortable with.
The assessment and support centre for young people suffering with and recovering from eating disorders was not yet open to its patients and their families for the day. Helen, the receptionist was settling down with her black coffee and computer screen; Maya greeted her, asking her about her weekend and obtaining the latest update about her son’s roller coaster romance. Helen liked Maya, from the first day she met her she just felt like she was such a genuine young woman, who was never too busy to take the time to have a chat. Helen had always thought that when you talked to Maya, you felt that you had really been heard, and feeling like you have been heard, well it made for a better day. She could not really explain why, but it just did.
Marge, the Consultant Psychiatrist and Team Leader at the office breezed through the door quickly greeting Maya and Helen, whilst munching on a piece of toast and muttering something about getting the files she needed. Helen liked Marge too, she just felt sorry for her, because she seemed so busy and stressed. She thought that a Consultant Psychiatrist really should take better care of her mental health.
It was the unwritten office rule that everyone should take time to stop at lunchtime. Maya noticed how the day had passed quicker than usual, as she struggled with her crumpets at midday. Her appetite was not something that was usually affected one way or another by her emotions. Working in a clinic offering support for eating disorders, a person’s relationship with food was something which she was trained to notice. She assessed it to be nerves/excitement as she swallowed a lump of crumpet and seemed acutely aware of its journey down her oesophagus.
Maya surprised herself at how convincing she was whilst Helen told her the problems her husband had experienced with his own teeth and about how the anaesthetic for his root canal filling had made him drowsy for the rest of the day. She nearly choked on the next bite of her crumpet, when Lucy, the Trainee Psychologist commented that her sister had never had any problems with her teeth until she had become pregnant. She lost a tooth with each of her two children. Maya thought that this was probably not true but, despite how much she liked her white toothy smile, she knew she would give every inch of the smile so many were fond of, for that little life growing inside of her. The life that she never thought could grow. Her baby.
It was 2.30 p.m and time for Maya to head for her last ‘dental’ appointment. She looked at the busy car park and felt pleased with herself for reversing into her parking space earlier that day. Driving forward is so much easier, she chuckled to herself with an imaginary pat on the back. Indulging herself in the excitement, Maya found her old disco album and decided to play it in the car as she drove to the hospital for her not quite twenty week scan. She thought ‘Love to Love you Baby’ was actually quite fitting and smiled as she sang to her baby. She had heard it was good for bonding. Maya felt happy and being a Psychologist, who despite any onlookers’ perceptions, had not particularly spent much of her life acquainted with the feeling called happiness; she took a moment to recognise that feeling and store it in her memory for future use.
She had managed not to think about her husband's absence for the whole journey. He crept into her thoughts in the quietness of the waiting room, as she sat wriggling in pain at the fullness of her bladder and noticing the untidiness of the leaflets hanging from the shelf on the wall. She felt an urge to neaten them, because she knew that that was what Stephen would be doing if he were there. He would be pacing up and down, looking at his watch three times and tapping his foot each time he did. Maya reassured herself. There was no way he could have got out of the seminar in Germany. The current economic climate meant that it was a difficult time for insurance brokers. Him not being there had nothing to do with the fact that he was not happy about the pregnancy and did not think that Maya was emotionally well enough to cope with a baby. Maya suddenly noticed that she was the only expectant mother in the waiting room without a partner present.
‘Maya Alexander?’ She was relieved to hear her name finally being called. She loved her baby, that was for sure, but the feeling of a bursting bladder was something which she certainly did not love. The nurse recognised the familiar squirming grimace, and reassured her. ‘Don’t worry love, not long and you will be able to relieve yourself!’
The room was softly lit, and Maya, who had an excellent memory, already knew the routine. She took her shoes off and lifted herself up onto the bed, lowering her skirt and briefs to just below her hips, she prepared herself for the cold jelly. The sonographer explained that she would turn the screen away whilst she checked a few things and then would turn it around to show Maya. A little bit of small talk ensued with the nurse...didn’t it make the world feel like a better place at the start of Spring?... A bit of sunshine is good for the soul... Maya began to drift from the conversation and her natural state of being responsive and keen to please as she became aware that the sonographer had seemed to be searching for something; up, down, around, back, forth, for quite a while.
She noticed the nurse look at the sonographer. She imagined the look of the sonographer, whose face she could not see. Her heart began to sink and she heard ‘I just need to call someone else in to have a little check Maya’.
Again: up, down, around, back, forth. Maya felt her heart sink further, she felt her breath stop still, a deep pressure upon her chest. As though her heart was no longer beating. She waited.
Waited to hear that everything was okay.
‘I am so sorry Maya. There is no heartbeat. I am sorry to tell you, your baby has died.’
