I Will Be Okay

I turn 35 in a few days and I am going through a shit show. I found out yesterday I have rheumatoid arthritis and chronic pancreatitis. For years I was in pain, no doctor, nobody in the hospital, none of my "family" believed me. Now I'm at a stage where I won't get better. I will do everything I can to take care of myself because I want to be around for my son. I don't care about anything except taking care of us. And here I sit, waiting for a judge to put away the man that attacked me because if he doesn't go to prison, I won't be safe in my own home. I have no one. My mom is incoherent and combative. But she did call members of "family" and tell them I'm insane and cutting. She's as narcissistic as my dad was. I didn't even realize it. When my kid is in pain I hold him until he wants me to let go. Nobody held me. Unless it was to abuse me. So I've been abusing myself in place of all the people I had to cut out. Now here I am. Almost numb.

There are no heroes. Nobody is going to save me.

But I'll figure it out. I'll be okay.