I Am Chantou, These Are My Thoughts [These Are My Thoughts]
I need to share something so those who know me.. get a little more who I am.
When in was 3yrs, my birth mom said we were going on a trip, just me and her. I was really happy, because her boyfriend who was my 1 month old baby sister's daddy waa bad to me.. he scared me as he was beating me up. My mom waa was really busy with my baby sister and my 9yrs sister too.
So we left ans stopped in front of a big building, there waa lots of kids play g around.. we entered those big doors and mom talked to a lady. She then came back to me saying you wait here, go play with the friends, I will me right back...
I waited for her almost a yr..ahe had just dropped me off at the orphanage. And went back home ro take care of my siblings.
At 4 was adopted by the wrong family ... suffered rape 9 yrs by many ppl.. beat up.. bullied.. emotional abuse.. who h lead to this...
This causes me to have tge orphan syndrome
Heres what it is:
Symptoms may be physical or mental, and may extend into adulthood and perhaps throughout a person's life.
Alienation from the environment - withdrawal from social activities, resistance towards others. I am a scared girl and I do fear ppl in public places a lot
Guilt - the child believes that he/she did something wrong that caused the abandonment (often associated with depression). remain as an adult, I always think I did wrong, I'm not good enough, I'm unworthy of everything
Fear and uncertainty - "clinginess", insecurities.[7] massively clingy sadly, and my heart say one thing while my head tries to tell me something else
Sleep and eating disorders - malnutrition, starvation, disturbed sleep, nightmares.[7]
insomnia, I used to starve and suffered bulimia. Now I barely eat, I cook, I love too, but after a few bites, I can't eat no more
Physical ailments - fatigue, drug and alcohol abuse, anxiety, depression, lack of energy and creativity, anger, grief.[7]
thankfully, I never touched drugs nor alcohol, but I suffer depression, anxiety, panic attack, I feel unloved all the time, I cry always for all and nothing, I have no confidence at some point, my self esteem can raise up to go right down within 5 minutes
But this also bring the fear of being unloved and abandoned..
If someone tells me I'll be there at 9pm
At 8h45 I'll start looking around
At 8h50 why are they not here
At 9h00 ok not here I did something bad
At 9h05 I start stressing.. ok the left..im no good
At 9h15 now I can start crying.. I beat up myself it mu fault. I was bad..
At 9h30 ok that's it that they don't care.. they left me.. I'm unworthy.. im nothing..
It goes on and on.. and I cant
Stop it I tried.. I'm better than I was.. but it's been like this forever .. it also made me a very jealous person.. by fear of losing the ppl i care about..as i never been loved from birth till a few yrs ago..
So please if you care bare with me.. if i start to freak and act differently... it may be related
Thank you
Chantou
When in was 3yrs, my birth mom said we were going on a trip, just me and her. I was really happy, because her boyfriend who was my 1 month old baby sister's daddy waa bad to me.. he scared me as he was beating me up. My mom waa was really busy with my baby sister and my 9yrs sister too.
So we left ans stopped in front of a big building, there waa lots of kids play g around.. we entered those big doors and mom talked to a lady. She then came back to me saying you wait here, go play with the friends, I will me right back...
I waited for her almost a yr..ahe had just dropped me off at the orphanage. And went back home ro take care of my siblings.
At 4 was adopted by the wrong family ... suffered rape 9 yrs by many ppl.. beat up.. bullied.. emotional abuse.. who h lead to this...
This causes me to have tge orphan syndrome
Heres what it is:
Symptoms may be physical or mental, and may extend into adulthood and perhaps throughout a person's life.
Alienation from the environment - withdrawal from social activities, resistance towards others. I am a scared girl and I do fear ppl in public places a lot
Guilt - the child believes that he/she did something wrong that caused the abandonment (often associated with depression). remain as an adult, I always think I did wrong, I'm not good enough, I'm unworthy of everything
Fear and uncertainty - "clinginess", insecurities.[7] massively clingy sadly, and my heart say one thing while my head tries to tell me something else
Sleep and eating disorders - malnutrition, starvation, disturbed sleep, nightmares.[7]
insomnia, I used to starve and suffered bulimia. Now I barely eat, I cook, I love too, but after a few bites, I can't eat no more
Physical ailments - fatigue, drug and alcohol abuse, anxiety, depression, lack of energy and creativity, anger, grief.[7]
thankfully, I never touched drugs nor alcohol, but I suffer depression, anxiety, panic attack, I feel unloved all the time, I cry always for all and nothing, I have no confidence at some point, my self esteem can raise up to go right down within 5 minutes
But this also bring the fear of being unloved and abandoned..
If someone tells me I'll be there at 9pm
At 8h45 I'll start looking around
At 8h50 why are they not here
At 9h00 ok not here I did something bad
At 9h05 I start stressing.. ok the left..im no good
At 9h15 now I can start crying.. I beat up myself it mu fault. I was bad..
At 9h30 ok that's it that they don't care.. they left me.. I'm unworthy.. im nothing..
It goes on and on.. and I cant
Stop it I tried.. I'm better than I was.. but it's been like this forever .. it also made me a very jealous person.. by fear of losing the ppl i care about..as i never been loved from birth till a few yrs ago..
So please if you care bare with me.. if i start to freak and act differently... it may be related
Thank you
Chantou
