I Miss My Friends
Tomorrow is the Friendship Day and it makes me think of people who mean so much to me. Of those who are in my life daily and shower me with support, and of those who are no longer in my life. There was so many people who used to mean the world to me, who talked me through the darkest of times. It is almost funny that they're nowhere to be seen now, because when they were a part of my world I wasn't able to imagine breathing without them. It's just painful to remember the great times we had together.
I miss my friend with the most beautiful speaking voice I have ever heard. Your voice was all I wanted to hear when my whole world collapsed. I miss how you talked to me in Spanish just for my entertainment, how we made stupid jokes and how you had a giggle attack when I showed you the gummy cows candy. What we had was beautiful, I only remember the good parts - you lied to me more than once, but now I don't want to think about it. I only remember you talking me to sleep, when I was finally exhausted enough to doze off on my pillow soaked with tears. I loved you so dearly, I still do, it's been 3 years since we spoke to each other and there hasn't been a day without me thinking about you and missing you. Friendship breakups can be more painful than breaking up with a lover. Today I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to "click" with someone the way I did with you, talking to you was natural like breathing, and it happens so rarely in this rotten world. I wish you knew I was never mad at you, even when you lied to me that one final time. I said I was, but I couldn't be. I just couldn't take any more bull$h!t at that time and my patience span was teeny-tiny-short. Maybe what we had was a little bit toxic, but ultimately, it saved my life.
I miss my friend who had the most contagious giggle in the world, the most handsome of all the bald guys on this planet. I will never stop regretting letting you go. You were my friend and my lover, and I lost both of those and now the shame is on me. Everything about you was so amazingly simple, honest and uncomplicated in the best possible way. There was nothing sketchy about you, no hidden intentions, no looking for a personal gain. You had your heart on your sleeve and it was the purest of the hearts. To you, everything was what it was, I've never seen you choking on the past or worrying about the future. You were so focused on "today" all the worriers of the world could learn so much from you. With you, I felt peace in my heart for the first time in forever and you were the one who made me think that maybe, possibly, there is a future for me. Maybe I'm not going to give up on my life and kill myself, maybe I am strong enough to endure everything that's killing me from the inside of my head. I really wanted to come to you and make the dreams we talked about real. I am so sorry for being scared and too dumb to understand what I was about to lose. I will never forget your smile and how you always ate lunch in your car so you could be alone and record me a message. I hope you are happy with your girlfriend, she looks like she's a good person and I wish you nothing but the best.
I miss my friend who is a living definition of Netflix $ chill. You kind of are still there, but you're so distant I don't know how to talk to you. I miss our bond, I wish we could have it back. I try to stay in touch with you, but you seem so distant. It hurts my heart, because I know you're going through hard times and I wish I could help more, but at the same time I feel like I'm bothering you and I hate that feeling. I know you've never been the one to start conversations and you're shy and introverted, but my anxiety makes me feel like I'm just pointlessly taking your time when I make an effort to talk to you first. I wish you knew I'm here for you no matter what. I know life hurts, but you're great, your script is so cool and I wish you could sell it and be rich and famous finally. You can do it, you can do everything you dream of.
Happy Friendship Day, guys.
With love,
A.
I miss my friend with the most beautiful speaking voice I have ever heard. Your voice was all I wanted to hear when my whole world collapsed. I miss how you talked to me in Spanish just for my entertainment, how we made stupid jokes and how you had a giggle attack when I showed you the gummy cows candy. What we had was beautiful, I only remember the good parts - you lied to me more than once, but now I don't want to think about it. I only remember you talking me to sleep, when I was finally exhausted enough to doze off on my pillow soaked with tears. I loved you so dearly, I still do, it's been 3 years since we spoke to each other and there hasn't been a day without me thinking about you and missing you. Friendship breakups can be more painful than breaking up with a lover. Today I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to "click" with someone the way I did with you, talking to you was natural like breathing, and it happens so rarely in this rotten world. I wish you knew I was never mad at you, even when you lied to me that one final time. I said I was, but I couldn't be. I just couldn't take any more bull$h!t at that time and my patience span was teeny-tiny-short. Maybe what we had was a little bit toxic, but ultimately, it saved my life.
I miss my friend who had the most contagious giggle in the world, the most handsome of all the bald guys on this planet. I will never stop regretting letting you go. You were my friend and my lover, and I lost both of those and now the shame is on me. Everything about you was so amazingly simple, honest and uncomplicated in the best possible way. There was nothing sketchy about you, no hidden intentions, no looking for a personal gain. You had your heart on your sleeve and it was the purest of the hearts. To you, everything was what it was, I've never seen you choking on the past or worrying about the future. You were so focused on "today" all the worriers of the world could learn so much from you. With you, I felt peace in my heart for the first time in forever and you were the one who made me think that maybe, possibly, there is a future for me. Maybe I'm not going to give up on my life and kill myself, maybe I am strong enough to endure everything that's killing me from the inside of my head. I really wanted to come to you and make the dreams we talked about real. I am so sorry for being scared and too dumb to understand what I was about to lose. I will never forget your smile and how you always ate lunch in your car so you could be alone and record me a message. I hope you are happy with your girlfriend, she looks like she's a good person and I wish you nothing but the best.
I miss my friend who is a living definition of Netflix $ chill. You kind of are still there, but you're so distant I don't know how to talk to you. I miss our bond, I wish we could have it back. I try to stay in touch with you, but you seem so distant. It hurts my heart, because I know you're going through hard times and I wish I could help more, but at the same time I feel like I'm bothering you and I hate that feeling. I know you've never been the one to start conversations and you're shy and introverted, but my anxiety makes me feel like I'm just pointlessly taking your time when I make an effort to talk to you first. I wish you knew I'm here for you no matter what. I know life hurts, but you're great, your script is so cool and I wish you could sell it and be rich and famous finally. You can do it, you can do everything you dream of.
Happy Friendship Day, guys.
With love,
A.
31-35, F
