I Used to Self Harm
Do you know how proud that makes me to say I USED to self harm? To overcome something that used to be such a big part of you.. something you always turned to because no matter what it was there for you and helped you in your darkest times. So for me to look back and say I used to cut means a lot to me. Especially when it was getting to be too much.
***REWINDS TIME***
I was 10 years old when I was molested by my fathers girlfriends 16 year old son. (it was my fathers weekend to have us kids) To save you from the details and a longer story (however if there is anyone who would like details to relate on a personal level I will answer questions. If you prefer private message then I'm okay with that as well) I will just go by saying it made me feel ugly inside and out. Like how dare I let someone take advantage of me like that. I isolated myself so bad that I no longer knew who I was.
***TAKING YOU BACK TO MY FIRST CUT***
Let me just say that my mother did get me counseling and it didn't help. I felt bad that my mother was paying some whack job to tell me what she THINKS is wrong with me. (trust me.. she was weird) but I remember the day I cut. It was after school and I went straight to my room because so much was going on in my head. I was still so afraid of men because of the molestation. So I picked up my favorite piece of glass and made what I thought was a gash but it was a scratch. Still.. it bled. And the release from doing that felt amazing. The high was so astronomically beautiful. My heart heart slowed down and vision was coming back.
***FAST FORWARD A BIT***
My new object of choice by the time I was 13 was a razor. It was sharper and made my cuts a bit deeper. Not deep enough to need stitches but deep enough to where stopping the bleeding took a bit longer. I was very good at hiding my cuts. I would wear long sleeved shirts or baggy clothes in general. (guess that was a plus considering I was a HUGE tomboy)
(I know this is going to be all over the place but I didn't want to bore anyone from adding soooooo much more lol which is why I am open to answering questions if anyone has any)
***FAST FORWARD MORE***
Let me first clarify that YES my mother knew after failed attempts at counseling that I was still cutting. Does that make her a bad mom? No. Let me tell you why. She said she KNEW (she STILL tells me this) that I would make my way through this that my molestation would make me stronger in the end and that my story will help another. Any who.. I finally stopped cutting at 17. I began dating a guy (my best friend) that I've known since we were in first grade. We quit together actually so I guess you could say we were each others strengths? Being with him seemed like such a fairy tale at first simply because of how long we have had known each other and we graduated together the year we began dating-2005) In fact we felt so strongly about our relationship that two months after graduation we moved in together... BIG MISTAKE!
***YEARS WITH HIM***
He proposed to me on my 18th birthday and honestly that is when everything started changing. It's like he felt he owned me because every guy friend I had I waved goodbye to. My family? Yeah them too. Why? Because I involved my mother too much. (sorry his was so shitty with his mother sheesh) and if I went anywhere I had to tell him who I was with and when I would be back otherwise I would never hear the end of it! We took a break in 2007 (also when I relapsed but no one knows) but I guess the girl he was seeing behind my behind my back no longer wanted the drama. (we were together 2 years by this point) so he crawled back into my life and I foolishly took him back KNOWING I shouldn't have. Things were good for about a month then got so bad! Worse than what they were before our split. Every day we were shouting at each other and he only hit me once but once my mother got in his face he never did it again. But the mental and verbal abuse were there although he swears there is no such thing as verbal and mental abuse. (IDIOT) but he would accuse me of sitting around all day while he was at work and may I remind you he wouldn't let me work because if there is a guy there he would have to worry. BUT REMEMBER HE BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE HE CHEATED lol but I'm the unfaithful one? Hmmm. Also found out after his brother passed in 2010 he was dating someone at work! A friend of mine has an aunt that worked with him and she called to tell me (I'll get into this more too if anyone has questions)
***FINAL TWO YEARS WITH HIM***
We ended up moving in with my mother to help fiances better on both parties. I thinking this is just what we need a fresh start! ..Nope! We still fought. And it gets to be so exhausting at times that I really feel out of the whole almost 10 years we were together that I maybe only truly loved him 1 year maybe 2. The rest I can safely say now that I look back on it was just the comfort it gave me saying I was with someone. If that makes sense. But our last year together was pretty heated. He kept talking about this girl his buddy was dating (no biggie) but then he'd talk about her ALL.THE.TIME like how he used to light up when he talked about me. Before I knew it he was making excuses as to why he was coming home late or why could never do anything on the weekends. .. he was with her. I gave him a chance yet again thinking maybe he has changed. But you know when you've been cheated on in the past and by the SAME person you KNOW when something is up. SO.. I called him out on it. Needless to say we called it off on my mothers birthday 2014. We agreed it would be mutual but because he cheated on me doesn't make it right or hurt any less. He convinced me that I was the problem and that I could never trust him. (WONDER WHY) claimed he wasn't ready for a relationship right away but I found out not even 2 weeks later they made their relationship official. (he moves on quick huh lol so quick that within THAT following year they were engaged and married...months prior to that she was married and going through a divorce with her ex. Pattern much?)
***AFTER THE BREAK UP***
For those of you still reading thank you! I haven't really written this out to just let it out so it feels good lol. As I was saying.. after we split and he moved out to be with her he had to make weekly payments to my mother because before we split he borrowed money from my then step father for a car. So as if the break up wasn't bad enough I had to see him EVERY FRIDAY! At first it was hard because I told him at night when I was alone with my thoughts I felt the urge to cut all over again. He had someone there for me and I wanted something to release me from my thoughts. He told me by saying that it was a plea for attention. Simply things like push pins were driving me insane! So about a month after we split.. maybe 2 months. I met my now fiance on Experience Project! :D <3 I told him the night we "met" on there I almost cut myself but something told me not to. I now know why! <3 he helped me through the break up just by simply listening to me. Especially after we exchanged numbers! He would listen to me for hours. Laugh with me, cried with me. He saved me. And boy when my ex came around he saw I was happy and that my happiness was killing him. Because like in the past he thinks that if he moved on "I'd learn my lesson" and come back to him. NOPE! One of the last things he told me is that friends can hug until they start to feel things (pretty much his way of hinting that he wants me back.. been there done that) I told him no hugs then because there will never be an "US" again! :D
***HAPPILY ENGAGED***
Life does get better. My ex and I no longer talk at all which is sometimes sad because we did go through a lot, have almost 10 years together AND known each other for a long time. BUT.. life goes on. I'm happier than I have ever been and EVERYONE (friends and family) love my fiance. He's still my human diary lol the communication in our relationship is phenomenal! He knows I used to cut I told him before we met in person about my cutting and he told me when he could he would kiss all of my scars. And he did just that :) each and every one of them. He also knows that sometimes I miss cutting. And not because I get sad every now and then but I miss the high it gave me. NOTHING can compare to that high. .. nothing.
So with that being said it does get better. It took me years to finally see the rainbow in my storm but you'll get through it. If anyone needs someone to talk to please don't hesitate to reach out to me. (sorry this is so long lol)
***REWINDS TIME***
I was 10 years old when I was molested by my fathers girlfriends 16 year old son. (it was my fathers weekend to have us kids) To save you from the details and a longer story (however if there is anyone who would like details to relate on a personal level I will answer questions. If you prefer private message then I'm okay with that as well) I will just go by saying it made me feel ugly inside and out. Like how dare I let someone take advantage of me like that. I isolated myself so bad that I no longer knew who I was.
***TAKING YOU BACK TO MY FIRST CUT***
Let me just say that my mother did get me counseling and it didn't help. I felt bad that my mother was paying some whack job to tell me what she THINKS is wrong with me. (trust me.. she was weird) but I remember the day I cut. It was after school and I went straight to my room because so much was going on in my head. I was still so afraid of men because of the molestation. So I picked up my favorite piece of glass and made what I thought was a gash but it was a scratch. Still.. it bled. And the release from doing that felt amazing. The high was so astronomically beautiful. My heart heart slowed down and vision was coming back.
***FAST FORWARD A BIT***
My new object of choice by the time I was 13 was a razor. It was sharper and made my cuts a bit deeper. Not deep enough to need stitches but deep enough to where stopping the bleeding took a bit longer. I was very good at hiding my cuts. I would wear long sleeved shirts or baggy clothes in general. (guess that was a plus considering I was a HUGE tomboy)
(I know this is going to be all over the place but I didn't want to bore anyone from adding soooooo much more lol which is why I am open to answering questions if anyone has any)
***FAST FORWARD MORE***
Let me first clarify that YES my mother knew after failed attempts at counseling that I was still cutting. Does that make her a bad mom? No. Let me tell you why. She said she KNEW (she STILL tells me this) that I would make my way through this that my molestation would make me stronger in the end and that my story will help another. Any who.. I finally stopped cutting at 17. I began dating a guy (my best friend) that I've known since we were in first grade. We quit together actually so I guess you could say we were each others strengths? Being with him seemed like such a fairy tale at first simply because of how long we have had known each other and we graduated together the year we began dating-2005) In fact we felt so strongly about our relationship that two months after graduation we moved in together... BIG MISTAKE!
***YEARS WITH HIM***
He proposed to me on my 18th birthday and honestly that is when everything started changing. It's like he felt he owned me because every guy friend I had I waved goodbye to. My family? Yeah them too. Why? Because I involved my mother too much. (sorry his was so shitty with his mother sheesh) and if I went anywhere I had to tell him who I was with and when I would be back otherwise I would never hear the end of it! We took a break in 2007 (also when I relapsed but no one knows) but I guess the girl he was seeing behind my behind my back no longer wanted the drama. (we were together 2 years by this point) so he crawled back into my life and I foolishly took him back KNOWING I shouldn't have. Things were good for about a month then got so bad! Worse than what they were before our split. Every day we were shouting at each other and he only hit me once but once my mother got in his face he never did it again. But the mental and verbal abuse were there although he swears there is no such thing as verbal and mental abuse. (IDIOT) but he would accuse me of sitting around all day while he was at work and may I remind you he wouldn't let me work because if there is a guy there he would have to worry. BUT REMEMBER HE BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE HE CHEATED lol but I'm the unfaithful one? Hmmm. Also found out after his brother passed in 2010 he was dating someone at work! A friend of mine has an aunt that worked with him and she called to tell me (I'll get into this more too if anyone has questions)
***FINAL TWO YEARS WITH HIM***
We ended up moving in with my mother to help fiances better on both parties. I thinking this is just what we need a fresh start! ..Nope! We still fought. And it gets to be so exhausting at times that I really feel out of the whole almost 10 years we were together that I maybe only truly loved him 1 year maybe 2. The rest I can safely say now that I look back on it was just the comfort it gave me saying I was with someone. If that makes sense. But our last year together was pretty heated. He kept talking about this girl his buddy was dating (no biggie) but then he'd talk about her ALL.THE.TIME like how he used to light up when he talked about me. Before I knew it he was making excuses as to why he was coming home late or why could never do anything on the weekends. .. he was with her. I gave him a chance yet again thinking maybe he has changed. But you know when you've been cheated on in the past and by the SAME person you KNOW when something is up. SO.. I called him out on it. Needless to say we called it off on my mothers birthday 2014. We agreed it would be mutual but because he cheated on me doesn't make it right or hurt any less. He convinced me that I was the problem and that I could never trust him. (WONDER WHY) claimed he wasn't ready for a relationship right away but I found out not even 2 weeks later they made their relationship official. (he moves on quick huh lol so quick that within THAT following year they were engaged and married...months prior to that she was married and going through a divorce with her ex. Pattern much?)
***AFTER THE BREAK UP***
For those of you still reading thank you! I haven't really written this out to just let it out so it feels good lol. As I was saying.. after we split and he moved out to be with her he had to make weekly payments to my mother because before we split he borrowed money from my then step father for a car. So as if the break up wasn't bad enough I had to see him EVERY FRIDAY! At first it was hard because I told him at night when I was alone with my thoughts I felt the urge to cut all over again. He had someone there for me and I wanted something to release me from my thoughts. He told me by saying that it was a plea for attention. Simply things like push pins were driving me insane! So about a month after we split.. maybe 2 months. I met my now fiance on Experience Project! :D <3 I told him the night we "met" on there I almost cut myself but something told me not to. I now know why! <3 he helped me through the break up just by simply listening to me. Especially after we exchanged numbers! He would listen to me for hours. Laugh with me, cried with me. He saved me. And boy when my ex came around he saw I was happy and that my happiness was killing him. Because like in the past he thinks that if he moved on "I'd learn my lesson" and come back to him. NOPE! One of the last things he told me is that friends can hug until they start to feel things (pretty much his way of hinting that he wants me back.. been there done that) I told him no hugs then because there will never be an "US" again! :D
***HAPPILY ENGAGED***
Life does get better. My ex and I no longer talk at all which is sometimes sad because we did go through a lot, have almost 10 years together AND known each other for a long time. BUT.. life goes on. I'm happier than I have ever been and EVERYONE (friends and family) love my fiance. He's still my human diary lol the communication in our relationship is phenomenal! He knows I used to cut I told him before we met in person about my cutting and he told me when he could he would kiss all of my scars. And he did just that :) each and every one of them. He also knows that sometimes I miss cutting. And not because I get sad every now and then but I miss the high it gave me. NOTHING can compare to that high. .. nothing.
So with that being said it does get better. It took me years to finally see the rainbow in my storm but you'll get through it. If anyone needs someone to talk to please don't hesitate to reach out to me. (sorry this is so long lol)
36-40, F
