Forgiveness is a process. It does not happen over night and the process will be different for everyone. But no matter how long it takes, there's hope!
The reason most of us feel guilt for actions done in the past is because those actions are not in line with our current morals and values. Our past wrongs can actually clue us in to what we hold important. By identifying our morals and values, we start to get a clearer picture as to “why” we're hurting over what we've done, or what others did to us.
When we can really wrap our head around the fact that we can’t undo the past, the past is done, those things happened, we open ourselves up to more acceptance. Increased acceptance can lead to the emotional healing we are all looking for.
Never underestimate the power of a “re-do”. Write down how you would have done things differently if you could go back and do it again. In doing so, we affirm that we not only learned from our past mistake, but that if we had the skills we have now, back then, we would have done things differently.
I used to beat myself up pretty bad (emotionally) until I realized the way we respond depends on the skills we have, the frame of mind we’re in, and how we perceive the situation at that moment. Maybe we didn’t have as much objectivity, or acted out of survival or protection mode. Maybe we'd let stress build up, which put us at a higher risk of responding poorly. Whatever the factors, cut yourself a break. If you learn from it, it was never in vain. We did the best we could, with what knowledge we had at the time. When you know better, you DO better. It's not your fault!
The best thing you can do for yourself in order to forgive is start replacing the negative behavior and thoughts with more appropriate ones that are in line with your morals and values. By so doing, you reaffirm to yourself that you can handle situations in the way you want to. This can lead to a sense of pride, which is a huge part of building self-esteem and confidence...very important!
At some point, you have to accept that the past has happened and you’ve done everything in your power to amend past mistakes. It’s now time to turn the page and accept those events as part of your story. They've all contributed to making you who you are. Being grateful for those experiences, allows you to move on and truly forgive yourself. If need be, you may bring that regret into the room and apologize for your past mistake. Then put it behind you.
The last step in building self-esteem is moving toward loving yourself. Think kind thoughts toward yourself and show yourself some compassion. If we can learn to think of ourselves as our best friend, to speak to ourselves with love and kindness, and put ourselves as a priority, it reaffirms that we believe we are worth it. There are also free books you can check out at your local library on this subject, and very good videos on YouTube. Surround yourself with supportive people. You are more than your past mistakes, and I promise you, you are so worth it!!
Wow Gracie! You are so wise!! There's so much good stuff in your posts!! Something like this usually takes me a bit to accept and digest. I hold myself to such a high standard it's hard to forgive me. I'll get there. Your posts will help!
Just hold yourself to the same standard you would a best friend. I doubt you'd be hard on them. Love yourself enough to be that same kind of friend to yourself. You wouldn't keep beating up your best friend.
