I Have Bpd
He said he loved me before I even thought I loved him... Which is miraculous because by the time I think that I am in love with someone I have heavily tainted the relationship with my neediness. We have spent almost every day together since we met. I have made the mistake of "being too available" as cosmopolitan would say... Sadly, this isn't the need of an insecure teenager. The "too available" comes from a grown woman who knows the difference from wrong and right. I don't even know if I screwed this up yet. My head is saying "Yes! Call him! Tell him you are sorry before he even knows you did wrong!" My logic says "You cannot change what he is thinking or doing... So why try? Exactly. Nothing can be done. He will do/feel how he is already doing. Take care of yourself. Love yourself first."
Although this goes through my head daily... I didn't listen... He said he's sick. All I know is what he tells me so, he is sick. It's horrible I say it in that way. I know it is horrible I say it in that way. It's how my mind works. Regardless how badly I do not want my mind to think that way, it does.
That is why I am thankful for the medication prescribed to me. That is why I am so happy that I have spoken to therapists enough to know that my min is a tricky place. My mind is a tricky place and writing is the outlet... Although I am often to insecure to actually post these stories, this one will come out. It will be posted because it needs to. I need it out of me. The paper and pen don't do that all that time. Sometimes knowing someone else's eyes will lay on this experience helps me realize that I am only in my own head and in my own life.
Ahh, this all sounds crazy. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to make sense of this.
THE POINT of all of this is that I have BPD and I recently have started a high intensity relationship with a man who is ignoring me tonight.... It is painful and I just need help not suffocating him with my neediness.
Although this goes through my head daily... I didn't listen... He said he's sick. All I know is what he tells me so, he is sick. It's horrible I say it in that way. I know it is horrible I say it in that way. It's how my mind works. Regardless how badly I do not want my mind to think that way, it does.
That is why I am thankful for the medication prescribed to me. That is why I am so happy that I have spoken to therapists enough to know that my min is a tricky place. My mind is a tricky place and writing is the outlet... Although I am often to insecure to actually post these stories, this one will come out. It will be posted because it needs to. I need it out of me. The paper and pen don't do that all that time. Sometimes knowing someone else's eyes will lay on this experience helps me realize that I am only in my own head and in my own life.
Ahh, this all sounds crazy. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to make sense of this.
THE POINT of all of this is that I have BPD and I recently have started a high intensity relationship with a man who is ignoring me tonight.... It is painful and I just need help not suffocating him with my neediness.
