I Need More Than What I Am Getting

I'm Not Going To Say I Have A Bad Life Because I Don't... Others have it worse than me. I get that. I have food on the table (most of the time) nowadays and I have a roof over my head, I have gadgets and other electronics, etc etc.

But I need more than that. Food and a roof over my head doesn't give my life meaning. Neither do the electronics. I enjoy them, but do they give my life meaning? Do they give me something to live for? Do they keep me from wanting to slip away?
No, no and no. They are luxuries yes, but empty luxuries. They only provide temporary satisfaction. When I'm on my deathbed, I won't be thinking of books and iPods and music. I won't be thinking of material possessions at all.

I have a lot of material possessions, way more than other people have, but they don't make me happy. They entertain me a while, but to actually make me happy? No. My life is full of material possessions and awesome gadgets, but it is devoid of anything money cannot buy, things that matter more than what money can buy. My life has no meaning unless you count the amount of money spent on those electronics and other material possessions. That's the only meaning my life has. Note: I'm not saying I'm not of value as a person (although I do believe that most of the time too), I'm saying my LIFE has no value.

As time goes by, I have less and less to give to people and to myself. I'm growing colder and colder, darker and darker every day. Soon I won't have anything left in me. The little bit I still have inside will be torn out of me if I continue waiting like this. Holding on is destroying me more than everything I'm saying right now. I can't hang on to false hopes anymore. I can't be hoping things will get better. I need them to get better. The more I wait, the more I tear apart. I cannot wait anymore. Even if I don't surrender now, I will eventually.

EP friends...
If I suddenly stopped coming on, you all know (or have a pretty good idea) what happened. Worry not about me though. Let this be a story, a lesson to all that has to be known and understood. There will be a moral of the story to my death. I just hope it is discovered.