I Want to Share My Life Story

For those of you who haven’t spoken to me or read any of my posts, my name’s Pagan, I’m 15 and I’m nearly 32 weeks pregnant. I’m writing this to answer some of the most-asked questions that I receive.

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When did I lose my virginity?
I lost my virginity, when I was 14, last July. The boy that I had sex with was 16. I knew him from my school and it was my idea to have sex. We had sex twice and he left me when my mum found out about our relationship.

How did I meet my baby's father?
I met my baby’s father through school. He was one of my step-brother’s friends. I was still 14 and he was 20. He was somebody that I instantly connected with and he was really easy to talk to. I had sex with him for the first time at the start of August. We began to date one another and we frequently had sex over the following month.

When did I find out I was pregnant?
My period was late in August and I had a pregnancy scare. My test came back negative. Soon after, on 15th September, I was sick. I started to suspect pregnancy again and asked a friend to buy me some pregnancy tests. She stayed with me while I took them into my bathroom. Each of the tests came back positive. I initially had no reaction at all, but soon started to cry.

How did I react?
I didn’t have an initial reaction. I had no idea what to do next, so I looked for support online. I found a clinic that allowed me to book an appointment anonymously. I called my boyfriend the following morning and explained everything to him. He didn’t believe what I was saying. I met with him after I had finished school for the day and I showed the tests to him. He joined me at the clinic and the nurse took me through my options; abortion, adoption, or keeping the baby.

How did I tell my family?
After visiting the clinic, I went to my grandma’s house. Me and her have always been really close and I knew that she would help me. I planned to tell her that day, but my grandad was in the room with her and I wasn’t comfortable telling him. I called my grandma later that night and asked her to sit upstairs while she spoke to me. I told her that I had made a mistake and that I needed her advice. Her response was, “you’re pregnant, aren’t you?” She helped me find the right way to tell my mum.
I spent an hour writing a letter to my mum. I was too scared and upset to tell her in-person, so I folded the letter, put my pregnancy tests with it and left it on her bed. After 10pm, I heard her bedroom door open. I pretended to be asleep as she came into my room. I waited a couple of minutes and then I walked into her bedroom and sat on her bed. She told me that she was disappointed and upset with me, and that I should have an abortion. I took her opinion into consideration, but I had my mind set on keeping the baby.

Did I stay in school?
I was determined to let my pregnancy affect my education as little as possible. I took a temporary break from school soon after finding out that I was pregnant. I explained everything to my Learning Manager and he understood my need for a break. I returned to school after a couple of months off and continued, full-time, until all UK schools closed in mid-March due to COVID-19.

Where is my baby's father now?
Since I had told him that I was pregnant, he was distant and showed little interest in me. We continued to see one another every week, but he was awkward and acted differently around me. After a really difficult and upsetting conversation with him, I agreed to end our relationship. My family aren’t aware of who he is. He rarely contacts me now. I send him little updates every so often and I show him pictures of my baby’s scans and my bump, but he rarely replies or shows any interest in us.

Have I had any relationships while pregnant?
I had a brief relationship with somebody at the end of January, however he struggled to accept that I was having a baby so young. I started to talk to somebody at the start of this month. He’s really nice and he’s been really supportive of my pregnancy. He’s been such a big help for me, particularly with the certain urges that many pregnant women have. I haven’t seen him for nearly two weeks now due to COVID-19, but we do still talk regularly.

What is my birth-plan?
I have a support group that has helped me to put together a little plan for my birth. I’d like to have a natural birth. I’m looking to have a water-birth. I’ll have air and gas to help with the pains. I’m hoping to avoid an epidural, but I’d like to have the option there on standby if I do change my mind at the time.

How is COVID-19 affecting me?
This is such a serious worry for me. My anxiety has been awful over the past couple of weeks. Going to school was the only form of normality left in my life and I can no longer do that now. I’m being advised to stay at home for 12 weeks due to my pregnancy, and my country is currently on the fifth day of a three-week lockdown. I’m finding it really difficult and upsetting to not see any of my family or friends during this time. I live with my mum, step-dad and little brother, so they are the only members of my family that I can still see. I call my step-brother fairly often and he’s really good at listening to my problems and giving me advice.
I attended a support group for girls, aged 13-21, who are pregnant or who have recently had their babies. This has now been cancelled, along with all of my other classes, because of COVID-19. When I go into labor, I’m not allowed to have anybody with me in the hospital. I can have a birthing-partner, who is my mum, but she can only be there right when my baby is about to be born. This means that there’s a chance that she might not make it to me in time. Once my baby has been born, she has to leave and I’m not allowed to have any visitors until I’m discharged.

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If you’re still reading now, thank-you so much. If there are any other questions you’d like me to answer, please comment below or leave a message on my Whiteboard.