I Have Lots On My Mind
Another weekend wasted with a spineless, unmotivated, and senseless partner. I've been working on expressing myself more and more to him, giving him enough tidbits to realize that I am in need of a sit down heart-to-heart. Hearing my thoughts and emotions are too complex for him and he finds himself at a loss for words. He only has the ability to define this relationship with simplistic matters such as, "What would you like to eat right now, How was work, What do you want to do when we go out?" I'm sick and tired of being in a relationship that is more like companionship on his end. It's been almost 16 years! I'm ready to grow as a person. Develop and evolve. Examine and dissect complex thoughts to determine the meaning of life. Time spent and endured with one another has proven to me he doesn't know me at all and cares not to ever dig deep to ever understand the real me. I have determined long ago that he is too troubled with his own demons to be fully equipped to nurture a relationship.
I had a very sad dream a few nights ago. HE and she married a few weeks ago (in real life). I dreamt that they were going to be moving to the east and he found it necessary to reach out to me (with her consent and permission) to return items that belonged to me. I was surprised when he reached out. It's been almost 3 years. I woke up sad, but with some sort of closure. It was closure necessary for reasons of which because we never said "good-bye."
I don't know what my regrets are anymore when it comes to HIM. Was it supposed to turn out this way? My thoughts are ALWAYS with him. The electricity, the desire, the fire under my skin. The way my heart and body turned into cream with the passion of our touching and kissing. Is that a sign? How do we know when we meet "the one"? Is there any potential for "a two?" Where am I supposed to be in my life right now? What choices do I have to make to get where I need to be? Are we TRULY capable of making our own paths?
I have 10 more months until my lease is over. Plenty of opportunity? I'm hoping so. My list of milestones to accomplish:
1) Take care of student loans
2) Finish paying off my debt
3) Get physically healthy
4) Get mentally healthy
5) Get spiritually healthy
6) Find ways to improve at my career
7) Save more money
8) Look into divorce
9) Reassess living arrangement
10) Move on independently...
I need to start realizing that I can make this happen. Is it possible for me to chose myself and move on...?
I had a very sad dream a few nights ago. HE and she married a few weeks ago (in real life). I dreamt that they were going to be moving to the east and he found it necessary to reach out to me (with her consent and permission) to return items that belonged to me. I was surprised when he reached out. It's been almost 3 years. I woke up sad, but with some sort of closure. It was closure necessary for reasons of which because we never said "good-bye."
I don't know what my regrets are anymore when it comes to HIM. Was it supposed to turn out this way? My thoughts are ALWAYS with him. The electricity, the desire, the fire under my skin. The way my heart and body turned into cream with the passion of our touching and kissing. Is that a sign? How do we know when we meet "the one"? Is there any potential for "a two?" Where am I supposed to be in my life right now? What choices do I have to make to get where I need to be? Are we TRULY capable of making our own paths?
I have 10 more months until my lease is over. Plenty of opportunity? I'm hoping so. My list of milestones to accomplish:
1) Take care of student loans
2) Finish paying off my debt
3) Get physically healthy
4) Get mentally healthy
5) Get spiritually healthy
6) Find ways to improve at my career
7) Save more money
8) Look into divorce
9) Reassess living arrangement
10) Move on independently...
I need to start realizing that I can make this happen. Is it possible for me to chose myself and move on...?
