I Have Lots On My Mind
P11 - Lots To Do, But Lots On My Mind...... I just spent the last few hours trying to figure out what comments and replies have been disappearing on my stories. Even filtered a bit on Yahoo Mail, which only frustrated me more. I can't believe I have over 18,000 unread messages on my Yahoo Mail account!!! It's a good thing I don't really use that account. Just for social networking notifications and coupon deals. I saw that this one guy that I used to talk to on a social networking site called TAGGED was buying me a lot with the PETS game. So funny how I used to play that game as well. Gosh, this guy was SOOO cute! I couldn't believe he found me attractive. But UGGGH, he couldn't hold a conversation, he had "attitude" issues, and he couldn't spell the most simplest words!!! It was SOOO frustrating! I wanted to get to know him and even perhaps have met up for dinner, but he constantly did with ANOTHER guy I recently talked to quite often. Made no sense to me. Both guys, VERY attractive, (had the same first name, interestingly enough), yet displayed SEVERAL signs of desperation! I hated that. I hate it when all a guy does or says is to "come over". And both through tantrums when I would say "no". TANTRUMS!!! I couldn't believe it!!! Grown, attractive men...throwing hissy tantrum fits. Made me completely shake my head... But nonetheless, it just goes to show that despite looks, if you are not comfortable with who you are on the inside, it won't matter.
FOLKS, CONFIDENCE IS EVERYTHING!!!
I often look at my past, the men I have encountered. I look for great conversation, confidence, an attractiveness far beyond what is on the outside, wildness, a great libido, someone who "tries" even when the going gets tough, and an adventurer. I have been with the same person for almost 14 years. I love him dearly. But I question it. I have always felt like we grew up with one another. That we "raised" one another. Our habits and behaviors are the way that they are because of one another. He is an incredible person. One who is affectionate and passionate. He can't get his hands off of me. He looks at me in ways that pierces me. But I can't shake this feeling. I can't even describe his feeling. Like he's unsure. Like I myself am unsure. Why are we together? Is it the time we have invested in already? Why do I feel like I am missing something incredible? Why does it feel like it isn't right? Why do I want more? I know he loves me. But something feels off. I feel it in my gut and I cannot shake it. I know he needs me, but I don't know.
Many times, I feel like the lack on conversation will be the end of us. I feel as though there's just something missing. I want more, but I can't explain it.
What's wrong with me? I shouldn't be with anyone. I settled down WAAAY to early. Why did I do that?
Gosh, I want to turn my life around. I want to continue on my path of getting more healthier. I have been very excited in building muscle. Being fit. Someone that people can look up to and admire. Be the type of motivation and people respect. I have been leading a crew of people to be more excited about being more healthy. And it makes me feel SOOO proud and happy!!! I can't wait to reach my goals!!! I had been VERY close to reaching my fitness goals years ago. It was pretty much an experiment, to see if eating healthier would have made a difference. AND IT DID! IN MONTHS! It was amazing!!! Doing it yet again, but this time with more focus. I know what my goals are! And they are SOOO reachable!
I want to finish this Master's program. I am SOOO behind in school!!! Three papers! All past its due date! It's horrible! I'm exhausted! With writing, with the math, with it all!!! I need to get it done!!!
I want to improve this partnership. If not with him, then moving on to another. I hate this horrible feeling, like this isn't right. I am not supposed to be here, in this life, with this person, in this place. I'm SOOO frustrated. I've been very upset with my sister and her partner, been upset that I do not have my own partner that I can vent out with! I told him, he doesn't have to talk to me every single day like I had asked before. Just one day out of the week. One. Where we can find a place and not have any distractions (he has trouble focusing because of his ADHD). Maybe 2-4 hours. Just talking. Relaxing. Maybe a picnic. I don't know. Sitting by the pool. ANYTHING! I am going to go crazy here!!!
I think of that one guy, not the TAGGED guy, but the other one that I had a "short relationship" with. The one who displayed SEVERAL acts of desperation and threw tantrums. Gosh, if only. If only it were different. No guy had EVER seen me the way he did. I feel in love for the first time, not with him, but how he felt and saw me. NO ONE EVER MADE ME OUT LIKE HE DID! He dissected me, entirely. Saw and understood me the way no one ever has. Saw me in every way I have always wanted to be seen. Sweet, sexy, hot, cute, wild. Everyone always saw those attributes in me. NEVER AT THE SAME TIME. He did. And as much as he said the right things and saw me in those ways, it also didn't feel right. It wasn't me he wanted. He just wanted SOMEONE, ANYONE. It was very sad, the desperation, the uncontrollable emotions he displayed, the ticking time bomb. It was borderline psychotic. If only he had more confidence. If only he was able to just have more self-esteem. Why was he SOOO emotional? Why was he so desperate? Begging and pleading and even telling me that he would DO ANYTHING to have me?!?!?! He even offered to PAY ME!!! JUST TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM!!! And he wasn't kidding!!! I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't want to be miserable anymore. I want to get out of here. I want space. To not feel pressure. To have a breather. What do I do???
FOLKS, CONFIDENCE IS EVERYTHING!!!
I often look at my past, the men I have encountered. I look for great conversation, confidence, an attractiveness far beyond what is on the outside, wildness, a great libido, someone who "tries" even when the going gets tough, and an adventurer. I have been with the same person for almost 14 years. I love him dearly. But I question it. I have always felt like we grew up with one another. That we "raised" one another. Our habits and behaviors are the way that they are because of one another. He is an incredible person. One who is affectionate and passionate. He can't get his hands off of me. He looks at me in ways that pierces me. But I can't shake this feeling. I can't even describe his feeling. Like he's unsure. Like I myself am unsure. Why are we together? Is it the time we have invested in already? Why do I feel like I am missing something incredible? Why does it feel like it isn't right? Why do I want more? I know he loves me. But something feels off. I feel it in my gut and I cannot shake it. I know he needs me, but I don't know.
Many times, I feel like the lack on conversation will be the end of us. I feel as though there's just something missing. I want more, but I can't explain it.
What's wrong with me? I shouldn't be with anyone. I settled down WAAAY to early. Why did I do that?
Gosh, I want to turn my life around. I want to continue on my path of getting more healthier. I have been very excited in building muscle. Being fit. Someone that people can look up to and admire. Be the type of motivation and people respect. I have been leading a crew of people to be more excited about being more healthy. And it makes me feel SOOO proud and happy!!! I can't wait to reach my goals!!! I had been VERY close to reaching my fitness goals years ago. It was pretty much an experiment, to see if eating healthier would have made a difference. AND IT DID! IN MONTHS! It was amazing!!! Doing it yet again, but this time with more focus. I know what my goals are! And they are SOOO reachable!
I want to finish this Master's program. I am SOOO behind in school!!! Three papers! All past its due date! It's horrible! I'm exhausted! With writing, with the math, with it all!!! I need to get it done!!!
I want to improve this partnership. If not with him, then moving on to another. I hate this horrible feeling, like this isn't right. I am not supposed to be here, in this life, with this person, in this place. I'm SOOO frustrated. I've been very upset with my sister and her partner, been upset that I do not have my own partner that I can vent out with! I told him, he doesn't have to talk to me every single day like I had asked before. Just one day out of the week. One. Where we can find a place and not have any distractions (he has trouble focusing because of his ADHD). Maybe 2-4 hours. Just talking. Relaxing. Maybe a picnic. I don't know. Sitting by the pool. ANYTHING! I am going to go crazy here!!!
I think of that one guy, not the TAGGED guy, but the other one that I had a "short relationship" with. The one who displayed SEVERAL acts of desperation and threw tantrums. Gosh, if only. If only it were different. No guy had EVER seen me the way he did. I feel in love for the first time, not with him, but how he felt and saw me. NO ONE EVER MADE ME OUT LIKE HE DID! He dissected me, entirely. Saw and understood me the way no one ever has. Saw me in every way I have always wanted to be seen. Sweet, sexy, hot, cute, wild. Everyone always saw those attributes in me. NEVER AT THE SAME TIME. He did. And as much as he said the right things and saw me in those ways, it also didn't feel right. It wasn't me he wanted. He just wanted SOMEONE, ANYONE. It was very sad, the desperation, the uncontrollable emotions he displayed, the ticking time bomb. It was borderline psychotic. If only he had more confidence. If only he was able to just have more self-esteem. Why was he SOOO emotional? Why was he so desperate? Begging and pleading and even telling me that he would DO ANYTHING to have me?!?!?! He even offered to PAY ME!!! JUST TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM!!! And he wasn't kidding!!! I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't want to be miserable anymore. I want to get out of here. I want space. To not feel pressure. To have a breather. What do I do???
41-45, F