I Loved Someone That Didn't Love Me
I watched her fall... for someone else. I watched her jump from me. And I wondered what kind of spell she had cast to make me believe her seduction. Because I wasn't really priceless, not really, someone else was worth the trade and it hurt so much when I found out her words said more than she actually meant.
True love can be found more than once, but true love isn't really found, we choose it. And what really hurt is that she chose me, or, she said she did... said she would every time. But it only took a month for her to choose to love someone else like that... truly, for always, and I just didn't understand how she could say all the things she said to me, to someone else that soon after and not question herself.
My recent posts have been... entirely wrapped up with my heartbreak. I hate to burn my telomeres being so hurt inside myself when there are so many other people feeling it worse, but I'm really just trying to get better so I have a chance at being someone in this world. But she's gone now, for good, and unfortunately we never talked things out before she left... so I've been so confused and it's been all but impossible to not paint her as the demon that's been tormenting me in my head. But she's not. Don't think for an instant that this is how I'd talk about my lover, even when she isn't anymore. I've just been unable to talk to her about this stuff, which I would have given the chance, but I didn't have the chance and she left me with so many questions and so many emotions swirling in my head. This has been my outlet... this has been my survival.
A couple days ago I reread everything we had written each other since we fell from our circle. This time the sharp edge of the moment had passed, and I could finally look through her eyes. But it was too late. In my miserable desperation, I wanted to feel important again when she started going out with someone else, so I tried to scoot out of her life a little so she'd pull me back in. She didn't, though. She let me go, and it took until this weekend to understand why.
I've been blaming her for a lot. I've been comparing her way of saying goodbye with mine and judging her for my self induced pain... because expecting anyone to be like me is self inducing inevitable disappointment. I could still hate her for this. I could still hold my bitterness for the rest of my life thinking about how she didn't bother to ease my pain when she could have. But a lifelong grudge is my decision alone; I have to decide the ending I want us to have to me. I can be someone who was unwanted by someone else, broken and forever alone, or I can be me, and be proud of how I loved her and how I let her go.
I forgave her, this demon in my head, and now she's gone. My dearest didn't require my forgiveness, though, there was nothing to forgive. Maybe I could be mad that she didn't fight for our friendship more. Maybe I could be sullen that she didn't spend much time on our final farewell. Maybe I could never forgive her for not explaining what happened. But why would I want to live that way? She gave me nothing but smiles while she was in my life, why should I let them turn into frowns just because she's not anymore?
A finger must be pointed somewhere though, the way our friendship ended was a tragedy at the end of a Disney film, and that'll never be okay to me. It should have ended with the same sweet innocence it started with, but instead it ended harshly. I could blame her for this, she's gone now, I could dump it on her and hate her for everything. And that sounded like my best chance out, to just shred our memories and let it all burn. But how much longer will she still cross my mind everyday? Because if I hate her, every time I remember her I have to wonder how I fell in love with someone so cruel. And that would always intimidate me from ever loving again. So how did I reach this place where I can say I got over her?
I've been blaming myself my entire life for anything I've touched that's gone wrong, and I guess I'm pretty good at it, and I'm also pretty used to it. When the tears finally cleared from my eyes and I could see through hers, finally my empathy center started working again. Everything she had done I couldn't see as betrayal anymore, I saw her trying to protect the hearts of 3 different individuals. Then I read my own messages, the ones where I offered more space but really wanted the opposite. It was clear she just thought I meant what I said, and I will always feel stupid for that, for expecting her to understand that I was just hurting and wanted to still feel important to her.
Finally I had the slightest hope in her to hold onto, she really had been her compassionate self the entire time. And I also had a shadow of a doubt that I had been as clear as I thought I was. Just like that, my habitual self doubt did the rest and I completely stopped blaming her. I've blamed everything on myself, which just makes me feel stupid that I didn't do things differently, but it's better than feeling unwanted and tricked.
She decided she didn't want to be with me, and she was the one who cut off our friendship permanently, so I don't have to regret those decisions myself, yet I finally understand why she chose them. I don't hate the whole of humanity for not thinking I'm so special to keep around, so why would I hate this girl when I was at least kinda special to her? I wasn't what she was looking for, and that's okay. I know I'm special, I know I'm one of a kind, and there might only be one person out there who sees that. But I don't have to be in relationships with people who treat me like less... because my friends are all special to me, and that's my main goal as your friend, to make sure you know that.
The closure finally came... I just had to find it on my own. I'm over her. I'm over my dreams of our future and what it could be. Losing her as a lover hurt, but I never want to be with someone who isn't sure they want me, so I got passed that a long time ago. Losing my best friend nearly killed me, though, but I've remembered the person I used to be without her, and I'm only wiser now.
My heart is back in an untie-able knot, the ribbons she cut resewn. I got over my girl, the girl I used to call by name, the girl who used to keep me talking all night. But the sadness will remain for a while. I'll always miss the way she used to look at me, the way her eyes stayed on me like she wanted to understand me. Nobody ever made me feel so important, so priceless. I'm really, really going to miss my buddy... I'm really, really going to miss my best friend. Because she was more than that. She was more than a lover. She was my life compadre, the person I didn't have to worry would ever leave. She was safe. And I'm just really going to miss feeling so special to someone and having someone be so special to me.
I'll miss you so much my sunshine. I hope you find your happily ever after starts near the beginning of your story. Now I'll smile for you just like you taught me XD Go be amazing like you do!
True love can be found more than once, but true love isn't really found, we choose it. And what really hurt is that she chose me, or, she said she did... said she would every time. But it only took a month for her to choose to love someone else like that... truly, for always, and I just didn't understand how she could say all the things she said to me, to someone else that soon after and not question herself.
My recent posts have been... entirely wrapped up with my heartbreak. I hate to burn my telomeres being so hurt inside myself when there are so many other people feeling it worse, but I'm really just trying to get better so I have a chance at being someone in this world. But she's gone now, for good, and unfortunately we never talked things out before she left... so I've been so confused and it's been all but impossible to not paint her as the demon that's been tormenting me in my head. But she's not. Don't think for an instant that this is how I'd talk about my lover, even when she isn't anymore. I've just been unable to talk to her about this stuff, which I would have given the chance, but I didn't have the chance and she left me with so many questions and so many emotions swirling in my head. This has been my outlet... this has been my survival.
A couple days ago I reread everything we had written each other since we fell from our circle. This time the sharp edge of the moment had passed, and I could finally look through her eyes. But it was too late. In my miserable desperation, I wanted to feel important again when she started going out with someone else, so I tried to scoot out of her life a little so she'd pull me back in. She didn't, though. She let me go, and it took until this weekend to understand why.
I've been blaming her for a lot. I've been comparing her way of saying goodbye with mine and judging her for my self induced pain... because expecting anyone to be like me is self inducing inevitable disappointment. I could still hate her for this. I could still hold my bitterness for the rest of my life thinking about how she didn't bother to ease my pain when she could have. But a lifelong grudge is my decision alone; I have to decide the ending I want us to have to me. I can be someone who was unwanted by someone else, broken and forever alone, or I can be me, and be proud of how I loved her and how I let her go.
I forgave her, this demon in my head, and now she's gone. My dearest didn't require my forgiveness, though, there was nothing to forgive. Maybe I could be mad that she didn't fight for our friendship more. Maybe I could be sullen that she didn't spend much time on our final farewell. Maybe I could never forgive her for not explaining what happened. But why would I want to live that way? She gave me nothing but smiles while she was in my life, why should I let them turn into frowns just because she's not anymore?
A finger must be pointed somewhere though, the way our friendship ended was a tragedy at the end of a Disney film, and that'll never be okay to me. It should have ended with the same sweet innocence it started with, but instead it ended harshly. I could blame her for this, she's gone now, I could dump it on her and hate her for everything. And that sounded like my best chance out, to just shred our memories and let it all burn. But how much longer will she still cross my mind everyday? Because if I hate her, every time I remember her I have to wonder how I fell in love with someone so cruel. And that would always intimidate me from ever loving again. So how did I reach this place where I can say I got over her?
I've been blaming myself my entire life for anything I've touched that's gone wrong, and I guess I'm pretty good at it, and I'm also pretty used to it. When the tears finally cleared from my eyes and I could see through hers, finally my empathy center started working again. Everything she had done I couldn't see as betrayal anymore, I saw her trying to protect the hearts of 3 different individuals. Then I read my own messages, the ones where I offered more space but really wanted the opposite. It was clear she just thought I meant what I said, and I will always feel stupid for that, for expecting her to understand that I was just hurting and wanted to still feel important to her.
Finally I had the slightest hope in her to hold onto, she really had been her compassionate self the entire time. And I also had a shadow of a doubt that I had been as clear as I thought I was. Just like that, my habitual self doubt did the rest and I completely stopped blaming her. I've blamed everything on myself, which just makes me feel stupid that I didn't do things differently, but it's better than feeling unwanted and tricked.
She decided she didn't want to be with me, and she was the one who cut off our friendship permanently, so I don't have to regret those decisions myself, yet I finally understand why she chose them. I don't hate the whole of humanity for not thinking I'm so special to keep around, so why would I hate this girl when I was at least kinda special to her? I wasn't what she was looking for, and that's okay. I know I'm special, I know I'm one of a kind, and there might only be one person out there who sees that. But I don't have to be in relationships with people who treat me like less... because my friends are all special to me, and that's my main goal as your friend, to make sure you know that.
The closure finally came... I just had to find it on my own. I'm over her. I'm over my dreams of our future and what it could be. Losing her as a lover hurt, but I never want to be with someone who isn't sure they want me, so I got passed that a long time ago. Losing my best friend nearly killed me, though, but I've remembered the person I used to be without her, and I'm only wiser now.
My heart is back in an untie-able knot, the ribbons she cut resewn. I got over my girl, the girl I used to call by name, the girl who used to keep me talking all night. But the sadness will remain for a while. I'll always miss the way she used to look at me, the way her eyes stayed on me like she wanted to understand me. Nobody ever made me feel so important, so priceless. I'm really, really going to miss my buddy... I'm really, really going to miss my best friend. Because she was more than that. She was more than a lover. She was my life compadre, the person I didn't have to worry would ever leave. She was safe. And I'm just really going to miss feeling so special to someone and having someone be so special to me.
I'll miss you so much my sunshine. I hope you find your happily ever after starts near the beginning of your story. Now I'll smile for you just like you taught me XD Go be amazing like you do!
26-30, M