I Am Trying To Accept The Things I Cannot Change
I accept my husband's ex-wife as an important part of his history and a forever important member of the family.
The road I traveled to not only saying that, but believing it in my heart and letting that belief drive my behavior was a little messy, let me share it:
I knew getting married to a man who had an ex and adult children would bring challenges, but one challenge I didn't realize that would be present was my own damn jealousy. I suppose it didn't help that his ex was freaking gorgeous and truly loved by everyone. She's genuinely a good person and a part of me wanted her to be horrible, (you know, so I could be better).
It was a rough couple years as I struggled with this extreme jealousy. Luckily, my husband has always been so ultra understanding of me and always validating me and my feelings. He acknowledged it was hard and he just made sure I was always comfortable at joint gatherings where she was present. He kept the conversations in the present (like when the kids wanted to talk about past family trips) and he was always touching me, holding my hand, etc.
Still, I suffered with feelings of inadequacies, comparing myself to "her" and somehow coming up short in my own mind. This was ridiculous. They were divorced for 8 years when we met and clearly had no feelings beyond mutual respect for each other.
It was so bad I even turned around every single picture of her in the Scrapbooks he had received from his Grandmother. Any page "she" was on, I took out, flipped around and then put back in.
Well, the day before we got married, I did some soul-searching and decided if I was going to have a positive relationship with my soon-to-be-husband's daughters (adult daughters), I would need to get a grip when it came to his ex. I was never vocal about how I felt, but the awkwardness could be felt at the gatherings. I didn't want it to get worse.
So, I took out the scrapbooks and turned back around every picture of her and him. As I did, I made a quiet, solemn vow that I would forever honor his past as it brought him to me and honor her place in our life as the mother of his daughters, my step daughters. It was quite the powerful exercise and it changed me.
I still get "pangs" of jealousy now and then because she got him for all those years I didn't and got to raise kids with him, etc. But, I quickly revert to my vow, smile, and carry on. I have a great relationship with his daughters and I get to be a "gramma" even though I have no bio kids of my own. It truly is a great life. We get along, though we don't hang out a lot, with his ex and her man. Gatherings are peaceful.
Best of all -- I get him NOW and LAST. He calls me his "favorite" in our own little world. He is building his present and his future with me and I will never take that for granted. I accept his past. I accept my past. I live in the Now. :)
The road I traveled to not only saying that, but believing it in my heart and letting that belief drive my behavior was a little messy, let me share it:
I knew getting married to a man who had an ex and adult children would bring challenges, but one challenge I didn't realize that would be present was my own damn jealousy. I suppose it didn't help that his ex was freaking gorgeous and truly loved by everyone. She's genuinely a good person and a part of me wanted her to be horrible, (you know, so I could be better).
It was a rough couple years as I struggled with this extreme jealousy. Luckily, my husband has always been so ultra understanding of me and always validating me and my feelings. He acknowledged it was hard and he just made sure I was always comfortable at joint gatherings where she was present. He kept the conversations in the present (like when the kids wanted to talk about past family trips) and he was always touching me, holding my hand, etc.
Still, I suffered with feelings of inadequacies, comparing myself to "her" and somehow coming up short in my own mind. This was ridiculous. They were divorced for 8 years when we met and clearly had no feelings beyond mutual respect for each other.
It was so bad I even turned around every single picture of her in the Scrapbooks he had received from his Grandmother. Any page "she" was on, I took out, flipped around and then put back in.
Well, the day before we got married, I did some soul-searching and decided if I was going to have a positive relationship with my soon-to-be-husband's daughters (adult daughters), I would need to get a grip when it came to his ex. I was never vocal about how I felt, but the awkwardness could be felt at the gatherings. I didn't want it to get worse.
So, I took out the scrapbooks and turned back around every picture of her and him. As I did, I made a quiet, solemn vow that I would forever honor his past as it brought him to me and honor her place in our life as the mother of his daughters, my step daughters. It was quite the powerful exercise and it changed me.
I still get "pangs" of jealousy now and then because she got him for all those years I didn't and got to raise kids with him, etc. But, I quickly revert to my vow, smile, and carry on. I have a great relationship with his daughters and I get to be a "gramma" even though I have no bio kids of my own. It truly is a great life. We get along, though we don't hang out a lot, with his ex and her man. Gatherings are peaceful.
Best of all -- I get him NOW and LAST. He calls me his "favorite" in our own little world. He is building his present and his future with me and I will never take that for granted. I accept his past. I accept my past. I live in the Now. :)
46-50, F
