I Had Something Taken From Me I Cant Get Back
Losing My Love-senses... I hate to hear love songs on the radio, for the same reason I can't watch Disney movies anymore... I used to LOVE Disney movies, but when i watch them now, i feel like I am literally starving... on the verge of dying, FROM starvation, while sitting in the middle of a huge buffet, unable to participate in the feast. I get to watch other people fill their bellies as I try to endure the agonizing pain in my own...
Ever since i was a little girl, I have always cried at Disney movies. My mom and I always had this strange connection where we would both look over at eachother at the same time. I don't think either of us could barely see anything at all through our tear soaked eyes, but we could both tell that it hit the other just as hard, so we would both start sob-talking at the same time, usually ending with a shrilI "Awwwww, I wish I had a Hurcules!" To which my mom would always say that she alredy has her Hurcules. It was usually a gooas a good cry though, induced by the overwhelming joy I felt for the characters, whose love conquers any evil advisary that tries to come between them, nobily sacrificing for eachother, earning their chance to live "happily ever after".
Now, I can't help feeling a bit selfish, for not being able to see past my own pain. Before, when my tears were a result of sharing someone else's happiness, I just felt happy for THEM. I was not relating it to my own life, the joy-induced tears were not created because it reminded me of some parallel reason for joy I had in my life. I can't seem to deviate my focus off the fact that I am going to have to live my entire life, without ever experiencing the love that is being shoved down my throat by whatever song on the radio or movie on the screen.
I die a little inside whenever I hear somone professing their love. I don't even know WHAT the feeling is that is blocking my ability to see love as beautiful, to see love as I have always seen it before...
Is it jealousy? Are my feelings of envy REALLY so big, that the shadow it casts is preventing me from feeling anything but a bitter, empty pain of this relentlessly expanding void? I feel like love is vanishing, like "the nothing" that devoured Fantasia in "The Never Ending Story" one by one, I am losing every sensory avenue to love.
First I lost my sight... it is to painful to see others in love, next thing to go, was hearing, I don't know what love tastes like, but once "the nothing" consumes it, I don't think I will be able to use that avenue either... how do I get it back? Or is it just gone forever? Everything I can think of that has slowly disappeared from someone like this, always had some way to either reverse the damage, or rebuild it... in
the aforementioned movie, Sebastian was given the one grain of sand that remained, so that he could rebuild that which was lost... The movie "Back to the Future" is an example of reversal. The picture continued to erase everyone in the picture until fate was recreated... If anyone can think of a parallel situation when complete consumption did not equate to permanence, please, do share... Continuing on this line of thinking..... if I don't find a way to reverse or rebuild this damage... Love.... is gone...
Ever since i was a little girl, I have always cried at Disney movies. My mom and I always had this strange connection where we would both look over at eachother at the same time. I don't think either of us could barely see anything at all through our tear soaked eyes, but we could both tell that it hit the other just as hard, so we would both start sob-talking at the same time, usually ending with a shrilI "Awwwww, I wish I had a Hurcules!" To which my mom would always say that she alredy has her Hurcules. It was usually a gooas a good cry though, induced by the overwhelming joy I felt for the characters, whose love conquers any evil advisary that tries to come between them, nobily sacrificing for eachother, earning their chance to live "happily ever after".
Now, I can't help feeling a bit selfish, for not being able to see past my own pain. Before, when my tears were a result of sharing someone else's happiness, I just felt happy for THEM. I was not relating it to my own life, the joy-induced tears were not created because it reminded me of some parallel reason for joy I had in my life. I can't seem to deviate my focus off the fact that I am going to have to live my entire life, without ever experiencing the love that is being shoved down my throat by whatever song on the radio or movie on the screen.
I die a little inside whenever I hear somone professing their love. I don't even know WHAT the feeling is that is blocking my ability to see love as beautiful, to see love as I have always seen it before...
Is it jealousy? Are my feelings of envy REALLY so big, that the shadow it casts is preventing me from feeling anything but a bitter, empty pain of this relentlessly expanding void? I feel like love is vanishing, like "the nothing" that devoured Fantasia in "The Never Ending Story" one by one, I am losing every sensory avenue to love.
First I lost my sight... it is to painful to see others in love, next thing to go, was hearing, I don't know what love tastes like, but once "the nothing" consumes it, I don't think I will be able to use that avenue either... how do I get it back? Or is it just gone forever? Everything I can think of that has slowly disappeared from someone like this, always had some way to either reverse the damage, or rebuild it... in
the aforementioned movie, Sebastian was given the one grain of sand that remained, so that he could rebuild that which was lost... The movie "Back to the Future" is an example of reversal. The picture continued to erase everyone in the picture until fate was recreated... If anyone can think of a parallel situation when complete consumption did not equate to permanence, please, do share... Continuing on this line of thinking..... if I don't find a way to reverse or rebuild this damage... Love.... is gone...
41-45, F