I Was Sexually Abused By My Cousin When I Was A Kid
I was 11yrs old when it all started. I had lots of friends at School but at home I spent all my time alone or with my Nan, my Parents were always arguing (sometimes very violent arguments) and I always got involved in them which meant I also always got blamed for the arguments.
Then one day my cousin (who was like a brother to me) started to sexually abuse me, it began with him pinning me down and kissing me then that lead to him pinning me down and performing oral sex on me, then it lead to him pinning me down as he raped me…I was a 13yr old virgin, he took away my virginity and…replaced it with a baby.
Yes he got me pregnant. I was so scared and so alone, I’d never even kissed a boy let alone had sex so how the hell could I explain how I was pregnant? I hadn’t told anyone what he’d been doing to me. So I told nobody I hid it from everyone, it was easier to hide than I thought it’d be, I just wore baggy clothes, so nobody noticed but I knew it was there and I thought about it every second of everyday.
Then on my 14th Birthday (I was nearly 9mths pregnant, I’d worked out that the baby would be born in July but I didn’t know what date) I realized that sooner or later this baby had to come out and not only did I have to get it out…but I also had to hide it when it did come out. I was very worried so I went to the library and I got a book on home births I learnt how to deliver my baby and I decided that I’d abandon the baby at the nearest Hospital as soon as it was born I knew the baby would need medical care asap after the birth.
Luckily the day I went into labour my parents had gone away. I was all alone when I went into labour, it was 4am when my waters broke, at first the pain was bearable but by 4pm I’d been in labour for 12hrs & was only 5cms dilated and in agony, I turned the music up very loud and buried my head under a pillow to smother my screams of pain…it hurt. Then at 11pm (19hrs later) I gave birth to a tiny baby girl…she looked perfect she had 10 fingers,10 toes, etc but she wasn’t breathing she was blue and cold and still…she was dead, my baby was stillborn.
I sat there crying and crying cuddling her. I knew I had to get rid of her, I thought about burying her in the garden but I knew I couldn’t do that, so I phoned 999 and told the operator then I was in an ambulance then I was in Hospital - they said she’d died about 6wks ago and there was nothing I could of done to save her they said I did everything right during the birth but I blamed myself then and I still do now.
My cousin continued to sexually abuse me and my parents were so wrapped up in their own worries that they hardly noticed me….they assumed I had got pregnant by someone living in the village. It's never been talked about since that day I left the Hospital.
I’ve kept this secret from a lot of people…I didn’t mention it to anyone for 10 yrs and even now (nearly 22yrs later) very few people who know me know this happened to me.
Then one day my cousin (who was like a brother to me) started to sexually abuse me, it began with him pinning me down and kissing me then that lead to him pinning me down and performing oral sex on me, then it lead to him pinning me down as he raped me…I was a 13yr old virgin, he took away my virginity and…replaced it with a baby.
Yes he got me pregnant. I was so scared and so alone, I’d never even kissed a boy let alone had sex so how the hell could I explain how I was pregnant? I hadn’t told anyone what he’d been doing to me. So I told nobody I hid it from everyone, it was easier to hide than I thought it’d be, I just wore baggy clothes, so nobody noticed but I knew it was there and I thought about it every second of everyday.
Then on my 14th Birthday (I was nearly 9mths pregnant, I’d worked out that the baby would be born in July but I didn’t know what date) I realized that sooner or later this baby had to come out and not only did I have to get it out…but I also had to hide it when it did come out. I was very worried so I went to the library and I got a book on home births I learnt how to deliver my baby and I decided that I’d abandon the baby at the nearest Hospital as soon as it was born I knew the baby would need medical care asap after the birth.
Luckily the day I went into labour my parents had gone away. I was all alone when I went into labour, it was 4am when my waters broke, at first the pain was bearable but by 4pm I’d been in labour for 12hrs & was only 5cms dilated and in agony, I turned the music up very loud and buried my head under a pillow to smother my screams of pain…it hurt. Then at 11pm (19hrs later) I gave birth to a tiny baby girl…she looked perfect she had 10 fingers,10 toes, etc but she wasn’t breathing she was blue and cold and still…she was dead, my baby was stillborn.
I sat there crying and crying cuddling her. I knew I had to get rid of her, I thought about burying her in the garden but I knew I couldn’t do that, so I phoned 999 and told the operator then I was in an ambulance then I was in Hospital - they said she’d died about 6wks ago and there was nothing I could of done to save her they said I did everything right during the birth but I blamed myself then and I still do now.
My cousin continued to sexually abuse me and my parents were so wrapped up in their own worries that they hardly noticed me….they assumed I had got pregnant by someone living in the village. It's never been talked about since that day I left the Hospital.
I’ve kept this secret from a lot of people…I didn’t mention it to anyone for 10 yrs and even now (nearly 22yrs later) very few people who know me know this happened to me.
41-45, F
