Not much, as of late.
[c=#008099] Once upon a time, there was very little I would not talk about, and very few people I would not talk to. I always had my phone in my hand and was always texting or instant messaging someone. I would have to charge my phone two or three times a day because I was on it so much. I can't even remember when that stopped or what changed to make it stop.
I was someone who liked to talk to others, and enjoyed hearing the law and order SVU ding on my phone to tell me I had a new message. I use to hate quiet time to myself, not talking to others seemed very lonely. I hated the quiet, left too much room for thoughts that I would rather not have come into my mind and head and it use to drive me mad.
Things change, you grow up, you have new focuses and new priorities. You have children and they take up so much of your time. You become an adult with responsibilities such as work, maintaining a household. The people you love die, or their health gets bad, and instead of talking to your friends and people who understand you, all of your energy and focus goes on them, despite them not being the best people to be around. You stress about money, and health concerns. You wonder if you are making the right choices and you feel like if you were to talk to someone and explain to them what you are feeling and what you are going through, they wouldn't understand, but what is worse you worry they would judge you, so you stop talking all together unless absolutely necessary.
When this happens, the loneliness kicks in, and you feel the depression taking over, and you are unsure as to who to talk to, or what to even say. You understand depression because you have lived with it your whole life, but yet when a depressive episode happens you feel guilty for having it, so instead of taking the time to talk to people who understands it and who loves you just shut down and not say anything because you honestly feel like it becomes more of an inconvenience to them and you do not want to put anything on them. So you just keep it to yourself even though it hurts you. You don't know what to say or how to say it, that doesn't make you sound stupid or crazy, so it is just easier to say nothing at all.
This is where I have been for the past two weeks or so. I cringe every time my phone dings because I honestly do not know what to say anymore. I no longer look forward to logging into Facebook, or getting online because I honestly feel like I have nothing to really contribute. So I say nothing. I play my game on my tablet, I binge watch shows on Netflix and Hulu. I spend time with my kids, trying to keep them as happy as I can, and I do stuff around the house. All of these are good ways to take up my time, and gives me a good reason not to talk to anyone.
No one that I use to talk to on the regular has noticed my lack of communication lately, and it makes me wonder if I were to disappear all together would anyone really notice. Would I be missed? Would one day someone see something and think of me, or would it be like I was never in their life? Was I just a friend of convenience? These are a lot of questions I have been asking myself lately. I wonder if I will ever have the answers to them.
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I was someone who liked to talk to others, and enjoyed hearing the law and order SVU ding on my phone to tell me I had a new message. I use to hate quiet time to myself, not talking to others seemed very lonely. I hated the quiet, left too much room for thoughts that I would rather not have come into my mind and head and it use to drive me mad.
Things change, you grow up, you have new focuses and new priorities. You have children and they take up so much of your time. You become an adult with responsibilities such as work, maintaining a household. The people you love die, or their health gets bad, and instead of talking to your friends and people who understand you, all of your energy and focus goes on them, despite them not being the best people to be around. You stress about money, and health concerns. You wonder if you are making the right choices and you feel like if you were to talk to someone and explain to them what you are feeling and what you are going through, they wouldn't understand, but what is worse you worry they would judge you, so you stop talking all together unless absolutely necessary.
When this happens, the loneliness kicks in, and you feel the depression taking over, and you are unsure as to who to talk to, or what to even say. You understand depression because you have lived with it your whole life, but yet when a depressive episode happens you feel guilty for having it, so instead of taking the time to talk to people who understands it and who loves you just shut down and not say anything because you honestly feel like it becomes more of an inconvenience to them and you do not want to put anything on them. So you just keep it to yourself even though it hurts you. You don't know what to say or how to say it, that doesn't make you sound stupid or crazy, so it is just easier to say nothing at all.
This is where I have been for the past two weeks or so. I cringe every time my phone dings because I honestly do not know what to say anymore. I no longer look forward to logging into Facebook, or getting online because I honestly feel like I have nothing to really contribute. So I say nothing. I play my game on my tablet, I binge watch shows on Netflix and Hulu. I spend time with my kids, trying to keep them as happy as I can, and I do stuff around the house. All of these are good ways to take up my time, and gives me a good reason not to talk to anyone.
No one that I use to talk to on the regular has noticed my lack of communication lately, and it makes me wonder if I were to disappear all together would anyone really notice. Would I be missed? Would one day someone see something and think of me, or would it be like I was never in their life? Was I just a friend of convenience? These are a lot of questions I have been asking myself lately. I wonder if I will ever have the answers to them.
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31-35, F
