I Have Been Possessed

I always get the fragrance of life to love you, but that you would hurt me.....I know that you are a vessel of Satan to hurt me, thus opening me up to direct demonic attacks.....So that I sin, thus giving you more reason to hate me. So I never want to see you again.....I do care about you and miss who you really are...but I don't want you to be a vessel of Satan to hurt me anymore thus opening yourself up to falling....and when I'm hurting at your words...I get attacked and possessed and am forced to sin against myself, and I don't want to be possessed so I let you go and avoid you until Satan has no power over us anymore. I feel like I lost you, in this life and in heaven, not through any fault of my own because if you want to know the truth I was innocent. Before my last relapse I was drawing near to God, and I wanted to make a connection with you instead of the blank stares I wanted to get to know you on a personal and friendly level, when Satan planted those evil images in my head....I begged God repeatedly to forgive me for my sin when I repented you saw God's vision of us which you said was romantic which was in my honest opinion based on a previous relationship I had...even though that was not ever my intentions with you I knew that I was no longer to conform to the pattern of this world which I might have done instead I don't know but I knew I was to be transformed by the renewing of my mind so instead of romantic love I tried to love you with a brotherly love but you made that very difficult for me so it felt more like love thy enemy I only stayed because I hoped that you would be nice again but that would never be.