I Failed - I Failed - I Succeeded
So, I am on this journey of healing my life and for the past 4 days I am trying to do the miracle morning process by Hal Elrod (great practice btw) so I've done all the steps except exercise... haven't added that in yet but will however that's not the purpose of this post...
So yesterday I did not do the miracle morning because I checked fb first thing after waking up. Talk about a colossal mistake. I've been toying with giving up fb because I find it more problem-some than helpful. It is a huge time suck, it kills my productivity and everything in my feed is so negative that I find it a barrier to my healing. It feeds my anger and frustration and causes me to act and think in a way that is not useful to my practice of healing from depression- acting against everything I'm trying to change... I find myself in comment wars with strangers about the worst stories in the world and it cause me great sadness and fear especially around topics of police brutality and un-accountability, corrupt government, stupid criminals, children being harmed, poverty, illness, racism on the rise, greed, the fact that we are uncompassionate toward each other and other living things- although I saw some funny video and cute memes and beautiful poetry come thru my feed, the bulk of it is depressing...
I thought about cleaning up my feed and making it more happy-focused and enlightenment-focused (which I actually might do) but then I struggle with feelings of
--- "am I just pretending that the world doesn't suck"
--- "am I trying to hide the truth that we have real issues that need to be addressed"
--- "how can I be both aware of these issues without them dragging me down"
--- "can I be both a Buddhist and a social activist, a Buddhist and aware of the injustices in the world and active in enacting change without it sucking me dry or causing me to fall into a pit of self-despair"
--- "maybe, I'm just not there yet in my practice"
James Baldwin put it beautifully and succinctly when he said "To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time." And I feel my fb feed keep me raging but deleting my fb or unfollowing the news pages doesn't end the injustices so I am kinda being pulled between the 2 and (if I'm honest) there is a little bit of guilt there like I'll be a traitor or something... This crap runs deep!!!!
But even with all that inner turmoil (who knew deciding whether to end a social media account could cause so much inner drama to come to the surface), my experience yesterday kinda solidified that I can't continue this way cause it's causing real harm to my healing which for me it of the utmost importance. Also as part of my miracle morning routine, reading is a part of my routine and what I read today pushed me even further into realizing I must give it up...
To me, The best beginner books on Buddhism is by Thich Nhat Hahn "The Heart Of The Buddha's Teaching" and I am re-reading it for the 4th? time... in Chp 7. Touching Our Suffering he discusses the "Turning the Wheel Of The Dharma" after you recognize your suffering and understand it then you need to recognize how YOU create it, how you participate in it and for me and fb... I am ingesting toxins of fear, anger, mistrust, helplessness, etc.. cause the things I am in contact with thru my senses (eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body, mind) become food for my consciousness and I am not at a place in my practice where I can effectively be in the world but not of the world- as my mindfulness hasn't developed to that place yet and so I need to take great care in what I allow my senses to ingest as I work to improve my mindfulness.
Okay, I think that's it for today's scribing... I wrote a lot. Thanks for reading!
So yesterday I did not do the miracle morning because I checked fb first thing after waking up. Talk about a colossal mistake. I've been toying with giving up fb because I find it more problem-some than helpful. It is a huge time suck, it kills my productivity and everything in my feed is so negative that I find it a barrier to my healing. It feeds my anger and frustration and causes me to act and think in a way that is not useful to my practice of healing from depression- acting against everything I'm trying to change... I find myself in comment wars with strangers about the worst stories in the world and it cause me great sadness and fear especially around topics of police brutality and un-accountability, corrupt government, stupid criminals, children being harmed, poverty, illness, racism on the rise, greed, the fact that we are uncompassionate toward each other and other living things- although I saw some funny video and cute memes and beautiful poetry come thru my feed, the bulk of it is depressing...
I thought about cleaning up my feed and making it more happy-focused and enlightenment-focused (which I actually might do) but then I struggle with feelings of
--- "am I just pretending that the world doesn't suck"
--- "am I trying to hide the truth that we have real issues that need to be addressed"
--- "how can I be both aware of these issues without them dragging me down"
--- "can I be both a Buddhist and a social activist, a Buddhist and aware of the injustices in the world and active in enacting change without it sucking me dry or causing me to fall into a pit of self-despair"
--- "maybe, I'm just not there yet in my practice"
James Baldwin put it beautifully and succinctly when he said "To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time." And I feel my fb feed keep me raging but deleting my fb or unfollowing the news pages doesn't end the injustices so I am kinda being pulled between the 2 and (if I'm honest) there is a little bit of guilt there like I'll be a traitor or something... This crap runs deep!!!!
But even with all that inner turmoil (who knew deciding whether to end a social media account could cause so much inner drama to come to the surface), my experience yesterday kinda solidified that I can't continue this way cause it's causing real harm to my healing which for me it of the utmost importance. Also as part of my miracle morning routine, reading is a part of my routine and what I read today pushed me even further into realizing I must give it up...
To me, The best beginner books on Buddhism is by Thich Nhat Hahn "The Heart Of The Buddha's Teaching" and I am re-reading it for the 4th? time... in Chp 7. Touching Our Suffering he discusses the "Turning the Wheel Of The Dharma" after you recognize your suffering and understand it then you need to recognize how YOU create it, how you participate in it and for me and fb... I am ingesting toxins of fear, anger, mistrust, helplessness, etc.. cause the things I am in contact with thru my senses (eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body, mind) become food for my consciousness and I am not at a place in my practice where I can effectively be in the world but not of the world- as my mindfulness hasn't developed to that place yet and so I need to take great care in what I allow my senses to ingest as I work to improve my mindfulness.
Okay, I think that's it for today's scribing... I wrote a lot. Thanks for reading!
