I Feel Like I Don't Belong

I Dont Feel Like A "man"... In this strange new age we are all in, i find myself having reached the end of my teenager years legally and now verging into my twenties, that i have yet to become a man or feel "masculine"

I grew up in the 90s and in my country around that time there was something rising up called the Lad culture, it was basically like frat boys but different. Its centered around mainly middle class men who enjoyed heavy drinking, something called "banter" which was making crude remarks at one another, ob<x>jectifying women and acting like tough burly men. Its main theme was centered around the "pub" or bar if your an American.

These ideas were always around no doubt but i remember it seemed to bloom suddenly during the 90s, when i was growing up that was the image i had presented to me, that was how my brother acted, hell even apparently how my father used to act and how i saw loads of other men acting. Repressiveness, violence and conforming to the pack.

While of course i'm generalizing i kind of have to as its what i remember most from my life and this is about me and my own issues with being a man.

As we moved into the 21st century, i saw something new erupt. It was the complete opposite, it was called the "feminizing" of men, taking on the androgynous look, becoming more effeminate, it was called emo and looked down upon yet it grew quickly popular.

I'd like to say that people fell somewhere in the middle generally but during my time, these are the most obvious types of male identity i have seen, sometimes they blend, both love drinking and "pulling women" for instance. but thats just a given of culture it seems.

Saying that i will begin with my own issues.

I was bullied heavily at school and was treated different, i felt different from other boys, i used to find other men attractive and still do, but i was never overtly gay, i'm not androgynous at all. I never felt like i was part of the male group, i was shy, introvert, i like reading and writing and sometimes i didn't really give a damn about women at all. Alot of the time i didn't care about having one night stands or trying to get as drunk as i could.

i was never part of that society and believe me the whole "pub culture" is carved into the culture over here for both men and women. So to not really enjoy pubs, that alone would severely hamper my masculine identity.

I have never had a strong father figure, my father is a weak man who never really taught me anything, other men i saw were also weak and i had no role models to ba<x>se myself on and no male group i felt like i belonged to.

I wonder what is a man, what is masculinity and i wonder if i will ever feel it. Is being a man defined by the group or by the individual? It is an important question and issue as the male identity is under threat or has been under threat apparently.

i think its always been under "threat" but i dont view it like a threat, i dont think anyone has really ever known what makes a man. I think nearly all men feel oppressed, weather they admit it or not. While men may have repressed women throughout time, we are also victims of ourselves. Women for the most part i think have a clear identity

Men however i dont think have one, but perhaps that is just me. The focus is placed too much upon pleasure and women, competing with others in your job, liking sports and not showing emotion.

Honour, valour, chivalry, pride and honesty however i think are all more important aspects of what it is to be a man than those former ones i listed.At the same time as i say that though, it doesn't make me feel like a man.

So i will remain outside of the group, forever looking for my identity,